Steve took the day off tomorrow and will be taking me to my DR appointment at 1pm and we expect to get an amniocentesis done. It will give information on genetic disorders and/or birth defects. Because her sac gets punctured I will be on bed rest Friday night and Saturday. Her sac should heal and fluid be replenished within two days.
Keilah knows that Gracia is sick and I have to see a special DR. She practiced giving me shots in my belly :)
Nearly every day the Lord spoke to me through His word and His people, my sojourners. These are journal excerpts. I've chosen to bear it all for Him. My desire is that you join me in this journey. Regardless if God decides to heal Gracia or not I will not be shaken and I will continue to choose Him.
November 13, 2012
We went in for our routine 20 week sonogram and even though there was a little piece of me that thought maybe we shouldn't bring Keilah, we still did. At the time I didn't know if it was a mother's intuition or if it was fear creeping in from an earlier miscarriage. As soon as the sonographer pulled up an image of our baby I searched for her heart and saw all four chambers working hard. Relief. What I didn't notice was the fluid on her under-developed right lung. Instead of our celebratory dinner out, we grabbed fast food and sat at the dinner table quiet. Quiet until Miss Keilah May decided that she needed to dance to her hip-hop music.
That was the first time I heard God.
As I sulked in my burrito bowl I clearly heard the lyrics "engineered in my mother's womb for God's glory" It was truth. It IS truth. No matter how she was engineered, it was for God's glory. I believe that. I clung to that hope and still do. God didn't make a mistake. He didn't turn His back when He was creating Gracia and made an oopsy. He was very purposeful in creating her the way that He did.
A friend of mine shared this:
God knows how you're feeling so talk to Him about it. He wants us to show Him our vulnerability so you know that He is strong, not us. It's easy for us to take credit for being strong through our journey but there is absolutely no way that we could have had any of the peace and strength without Him leading us through.
Friends, you must know that the only reason I am calm through this is because of God. He grounds me.
November 15, 2012
As I head to bed tonight I feel like we'll hear bad news tomorrow (level 2 sonogram with specialist) but I'm also filled with hope. I don't think she'll be healed. I think God wants to stretch us more. If He heals her now it'll be too easy of a journey for us.
November 16, 2012
The specialist confirmed fluid on Gracia's right lung and also discovered some on her left lung. She also pointed out that her kidneys were dilated. Full of fluid. Gracia gained an ounce since Tuesday and was opening and closing her mouth...so cute :) She suggested I take a blood DNA test to determine if Gracia has Downs, Patau or Edwards. I feel covered in His peace. Even though my daughter's condition is surreal I don't feel cloudy or dreaming. Steve and I found ourselves very thankful that Keilah is so compassionate and caring. If Gracia is born with an issue Keilah is the best big sister for the gig.
I feel chosen. A great purpose on His behalf.
Lord, give us, bless us, I beg you, a healthy Gracia. Thank you for seeing me fit Lord. You are wild and you amaze me. I am honored to be your daughter. Please don't let our circumstances, Gracia's life, be wasted. May others fall to their knees in worship and many more followers be "born".
2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times in every way. Lord be with you
November 17, 2012
I've never been so desperate for a miracle before.
I just feel broken and wish everyone and everything was in ruins with me.
Job 3:25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil
Lord, sustain me. Show me how to be angry but not sin. I know you've given me emotions for a reason. And I thank you that I can feel. Lord, I just hurt. I know it's for my good but please sustain me. Don't let me sit in this pain, heartache, hopelessness for long. I feel like my pain could start a movement. I've already learned to not rely on people but to run to my God.
Isaiah 63:9 In all their distress He too was distressed.
November 20, 2012
Today I served a Thanksgiving feast to Keilah's pre-school and I served with a lady that works at Centerpoints NICU. I had no idea they even had a NICU. That's where my DR has rights to deliver and that's where Keilah was born. If I deliver there knowing there is a NICU gives me peace of mind.
Then I picked up baby bracelets from an old church friend and found out that she's a nurse at Children's Mercy on the kidney floor. She does dialysis on newborns, crazy!
Sunday, a friend of a friend (yes I know how dumb that sounds) has one lung and ran cross country.
I'm realizing there's hope beyond Gracia's ultimate healing. That He can choose to give her one lung, dysfunctional kidneys and she could still be a living walking miracle. Whether she can be healed in the way we see fit or not she will be a testament to You.
November 22, 2012
I feel like I've not given Gracia enough of my time or enough of my prayers. I've been trying to not forget about others. So many people care for us and pray on our behalf so I want to pray for them. I don't want to be selfish and use all my time on my own requests. I don't want to forget how to care for others.
I know I don't control God with my prayers. No where does it say that I must pray for her "x" amount of times in order for God to heal her. Yeah, that guilt was from the enemy. Thank you Lord for revealing that.
November 23, 2012
I get so caught up on not knowing how to pray. But I do know that Jesus intercedes and I am so thankful that He fills the gap.
Hebrews 6:18-19 ...hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
November 26, 2012
Yesterday I went to church by myself because Keilah was sick. I had such an urgency to go. The sermon was great. About our gracious God. The music was medicine for my achy soul. The last song we sang was "How great is our God" I courageously belted out the words. So much meaning, such power. "All will see how great He is" I felt like God was saying all will see how great He is through Gracia's story. "Name above all names" His name is greater than anything that she could be labeled with. As the tears started to flow the music continued. God's people sang over me. I was overcome wtih emotion. I felt so taken care of, so cared for by the Almighty.
Today dishes were piled up and my house was cluttered but God asked me to sit, pray and meditate. So I did.
An hour later my phone rang. It was a 913# so I said a quick prayer to help me receive the news (specialist is in Overland Park, KS). I answered and quickly tried to decided if it was the DR (bad news) or a nurse (good news). Unfortunately her voice was old so I assumed her to be the DR until she said her name was Grace. She told me that my test for Downs, Patau and Edwards syndrome came back negative. An answer to prayer! Why doesn't it feel like good news? She said I should go into my appointment Friday expecting to get an amniocentesis done.
Clever that the Lord would have Grace deliver the news about my Spanish Grace.
November 27, 2012
Talked to Keilah's pre-school director today and she said I need to rest in His peace and trust Him. I feel His peace but its hard for me to trust Him. He makes me feel so comfortable that I'm scared that reality will come like a blow and knock me down.
November 28, 2012
Trust your unknown future to a known God.
I feel like a mess today. I don't know if I should yell, cry or hide. I wish I could say that I'm not stressed but that would be a lie. Stressed about getting the house and meals in order (while I'm on bed rest after procedure) babysitter arrangements etc. I can't breathe.
God, I'm nervous. I'm freaking out!
As I headed to meet a friend for dinner feeling sick to my stomach I asked another friend to pray for me. She sent Isaiah 26:3. At the next stoplight I opened my Bible and read it.
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
I had a duh moment. Well of course my minds a mess because nothing I am stewing over is about Him. Clarity washed over me and my appetite returned.
November 29, 2012
Isaiah 64:3 ...You did awesome things that we did not expect
It is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God - his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
For who is God, but the Lord?
and who is a rock, except our God?