Before I lost Gracia, I was a good Mom. I went through the alphabet with Keilah. Each week we went to the library and picked out books that started with whatever letter we were studying. I had a coordinating craft for every day of the week. I even had snacks prepared that began with that letter. I proudly displayed each adorable project that she completed in her play room. I have an accordion file full of her work. Maybe this is why she loves art so much. Even at the age of 6, you can find her hidden away in her bedroom surrounded by piles of scraps of paper and crayon shavings. She talks about what inspires her and explains each drawing and creation with care.
I remember driving down the highway and trying not to cry. Those days it seemed that my eyes would well up with tears unannounced and definitely uninvited. I would hold them until they blurred my vision and I had no choice but to let them fall. Day after day, trying not to cry. At my postpartum appointment after I delivered Gracia, I confided in my doctor. I thought I was doing alright until she asked "6 months ago would you talk to Keilah as you drove?" The answer was "Yes." That answer got me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I was embarrassed to fill it. And when it came time to take that tiny blue pill each day I wondered if it would make the tears go away and help me to be a good Mom again. After a few days I threw out the bottle.
Three and a half years later and I'm still waiting to be a good Mom.
Friday night I listened to Hillary Scott's 'Thy will be done' and read her story on why she wrote that song. She suffered a miscarriage last Fall. In the article she said that she is a different parent now than she was before.
And then it clicked for me.
I am a good Mom. I am just different than I was before. Enduring a miscarriage and stillbirth changed how I parent.
The Lord was so kind to show me that I am the Mom that He wants me to be. I asked Keilah if she wanted to play soccer this fall and she said no. She said she wanted to do Awana. I was disappointed because she has natural ability and I enjoy watching her play, but I couldn't argue with her answer. "Learning the word of God is much more important than soccer."
I think I'll let the guilt roll off my back and keep parenting the way I have been, because eternity doesn't care if my child has an alligator A and green G in her accordion file or memories of letter P pickles for snacks. All those things will fade and wither, but the word of the Lord will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8)
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Can I keep her, Daddy?
Today is Gracia's due date, four years ago March 31st fell on Easter. When Easter rolls around I think of Gracia often. I remember the anxiety I felt as we stopped for gas after brunch and the thought crossed my mind that we could just go home and avoid the cemetery. Maybe that would help me to hurt less. But what stands out to me more than anything, was that my womb was empty and so is the tomb. Because of Christ's death and resurrection, I am able to "get" through this. He has conquered the grave and I get to meet my sweet daughter one day in Heaven.
Last fall I noticed that Keilah was thinking of Gracia often and wondering what it would have been like to have a little sister. Grief comes in waves...even when there are years wedge between and even when grief isn't voiced, grief is still there. I started to pray. I asked God that if He saw it fit, then I would like a baby sister for Keilah. I had hoped he didn't hear my prayer because my son was only a year old at the time and having two babies seemed like a responsibility I couldn't handle. Soon after I whispered that prayer, I was pregnant.
My pregnancy was full of joyful wonder. My due date was March 17th. Almost four years to the date (14 days apart) from Gracia's due date. We chose not to find out the gender even though we "knew" it was a girl. When I lost Gracia I thought my baby bearing days were over. Never in a million years did I think that God would gift me with another child. I guess giving me two babies in four years was one way to prove that He is bigger than my imagination. And I am so glad that He is.
Neriah is a sweet sweet baby. She brings me so much peace. I thought having three kids would bring out my flaws and stress me out, but having her has changed me. I thought this baby girl was for Keilah, I had no idea how much I needed her. I wanted a baby girl as much as Keilah but I shoved that dream down and didn't allow myself to yearn for that.
Sometimes fear creeps in. Because of my ministry, Lullaby of Hope, I know all the horror stories of failed pregnancies and infant loss. Even though Neriah was born healthy and we made it through pregnancy, I fear she could die in infancy. One night as Steve held Neriah and we were adoring our precious baby girl I said to him "Well, do you think we can keep her Daddy?" And as soon as the words tumbled from my mouth I realized my question was to my Heavenly Father.
That is where faith reigns. And where the tug between the present and eternal
pulsate. This is where I want to be. In a vulnerable place where my need for God is unavoidable.
Last fall I noticed that Keilah was thinking of Gracia often and wondering what it would have been like to have a little sister. Grief comes in waves...even when there are years wedge between and even when grief isn't voiced, grief is still there. I started to pray. I asked God that if He saw it fit, then I would like a baby sister for Keilah. I had hoped he didn't hear my prayer because my son was only a year old at the time and having two babies seemed like a responsibility I couldn't handle. Soon after I whispered that prayer, I was pregnant.
My pregnancy was full of joyful wonder. My due date was March 17th. Almost four years to the date (14 days apart) from Gracia's due date. We chose not to find out the gender even though we "knew" it was a girl. When I lost Gracia I thought my baby bearing days were over. Never in a million years did I think that God would gift me with another child. I guess giving me two babies in four years was one way to prove that He is bigger than my imagination. And I am so glad that He is.
Neriah is a sweet sweet baby. She brings me so much peace. I thought having three kids would bring out my flaws and stress me out, but having her has changed me. I thought this baby girl was for Keilah, I had no idea how much I needed her. I wanted a baby girl as much as Keilah but I shoved that dream down and didn't allow myself to yearn for that.
Sometimes fear creeps in. Because of my ministry, Lullaby of Hope, I know all the horror stories of failed pregnancies and infant loss. Even though Neriah was born healthy and we made it through pregnancy, I fear she could die in infancy. One night as Steve held Neriah and we were adoring our precious baby girl I said to him "Well, do you think we can keep her Daddy?" And as soon as the words tumbled from my mouth I realized my question was to my Heavenly Father.
That is where faith reigns. And where the tug between the present and eternal
pulsate. This is where I want to be. In a vulnerable place where my need for God is unavoidable.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Brave
As Gracia's anniversary approached this year, I felt like the only one who remembered her. And for a second, I thought it would be easier for me to not remember too.
Women are a special breed. We are tender, we are emotional and we are brave. I was brave because I opened a wound that was closed three years ago. I went through Gracia's memory box and I read each and every card I was given. I studied her pictures. I counted her toes and put my wedding ring around her tiny ankle on her foot mold. I cried. I remembered what I wore the day we buried our daughter. What we ate. How I felt. I hummed the songs we sang.
I want to share my favorite memories surrounding Gracia's death.
My sister, Meredith, stepped in and took Keilah anytime I needed her to. And she wrote down things that Keilah said or did that she knew I would want to know about. She brought me a little lamb that we buried with Gracia. She wrote Ecclesiastes 11:5 on my belly the day I went in to deliver Gracia and she hosted a reception for us at her home after Gracia's funeral. I love you Mimi.
My Papi built Gracia's "treasure box" (her tiny casket). He used the metric system because she was his spanish grace. He used a jewelry box clasp to keep it closed. My Mom lined it with white satin and pearl trim. It was perfect.
Keilah was so little. She was 3 years old and had chubby cheeks and whispy fine hair. She said things that were wise beyond her years. God used her to help me heal.
Because of Gracia's death, I started Lullaby of Hope. A ministry for women who are journeying through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. For three years, my team and I have been making baskets for these women. Her one death has allowed me to step into many women's lives when they are broken and to speak hope over them and point them to Jesus.
My sweet Gracia, I hope you hear the song that I sing to you and that you will sing it back to me.
Women are a special breed. We are tender, we are emotional and we are brave. I was brave because I opened a wound that was closed three years ago. I went through Gracia's memory box and I read each and every card I was given. I studied her pictures. I counted her toes and put my wedding ring around her tiny ankle on her foot mold. I cried. I remembered what I wore the day we buried our daughter. What we ate. How I felt. I hummed the songs we sang.
I want to share my favorite memories surrounding Gracia's death.
My sister, Meredith, stepped in and took Keilah anytime I needed her to. And she wrote down things that Keilah said or did that she knew I would want to know about. She brought me a little lamb that we buried with Gracia. She wrote Ecclesiastes 11:5 on my belly the day I went in to deliver Gracia and she hosted a reception for us at her home after Gracia's funeral. I love you Mimi.
My Papi built Gracia's "treasure box" (her tiny casket). He used the metric system because she was his spanish grace. He used a jewelry box clasp to keep it closed. My Mom lined it with white satin and pearl trim. It was perfect.
Keilah was so little. She was 3 years old and had chubby cheeks and whispy fine hair. She said things that were wise beyond her years. God used her to help me heal.
Because of Gracia's death, I started Lullaby of Hope. A ministry for women who are journeying through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. For three years, my team and I have been making baskets for these women. Her one death has allowed me to step into many women's lives when they are broken and to speak hope over them and point them to Jesus.
My sweet Gracia, I hope you hear the song that I sing to you and that you will sing it back to me.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Choosing the chosen
Lately I have been having contractors come and give me quotes for my decaying driveway, walkway and steps. As well as other exterior house work. When they leave, they thank me.
I had a friend re-upholster my daughter's old car seat and turn it into something more suitable for my son. She thanked me for using her.
Last night, I celebrated 2 years with my Lullaby of Hope ministry team. I got to spoil them by hosting a formal dinner party. My friend, who's a chef, made the most delicious meal. Fancy food that this tongue rarely gets to taste. She spent many hours prepping the food and she did all this asking for nothing in return. And she thanked me for choosing her.
All these thank you's from people who are helping me out has left me confused.
Why are they thanking me when I needed something and they are meeting that need. They are helping me, I'm not helping them.
But then I got to thinking. It's just like Christ choosing us, drawing us near and loving us unconditionally and we are left full of thanks and gratitude to Him. Why? Because He chose us.
" For you are a people holy to the Lord your God, The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for His treasured possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set His love you and chose you, but because the Lord loves you an is keeping the oath He swore to your fathers. The Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and has redeemed you."
Deuteronomy 7:6-8
We were created for a reason. We live and breathe the busyness of this world along with the aches and joys of this world for a purpose. God has gifted each of us with a passion and with a talent. No matter how much you've down played your gift, if used properly can have a great impact. And when we are in our groove and know we are doing something with excellency, we soar!
It begins with choosing then we move into the next phase of being called chosen. Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? Chosen. You. are. chosen. You were hand selected. The other's fell short. But you....Oh you are the best. What you have to offer is far superior than any other.
I believe we all want to be chosen. Because being chosen means that you are loved. And that you are, very loved by your Creator.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you."
John 15:16
I had a friend re-upholster my daughter's old car seat and turn it into something more suitable for my son. She thanked me for using her.
Last night, I celebrated 2 years with my Lullaby of Hope ministry team. I got to spoil them by hosting a formal dinner party. My friend, who's a chef, made the most delicious meal. Fancy food that this tongue rarely gets to taste. She spent many hours prepping the food and she did all this asking for nothing in return. And she thanked me for choosing her.
All these thank you's from people who are helping me out has left me confused.
Why are they thanking me when I needed something and they are meeting that need. They are helping me, I'm not helping them.
But then I got to thinking. It's just like Christ choosing us, drawing us near and loving us unconditionally and we are left full of thanks and gratitude to Him. Why? Because He chose us.
" For you are a people holy to the Lord your God, The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for His treasured possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set His love you and chose you, but because the Lord loves you an is keeping the oath He swore to your fathers. The Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and has redeemed you."
Deuteronomy 7:6-8
We were created for a reason. We live and breathe the busyness of this world along with the aches and joys of this world for a purpose. God has gifted each of us with a passion and with a talent. No matter how much you've down played your gift, if used properly can have a great impact. And when we are in our groove and know we are doing something with excellency, we soar!
It begins with choosing then we move into the next phase of being called chosen. Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? Chosen. You. are. chosen. You were hand selected. The other's fell short. But you....Oh you are the best. What you have to offer is far superior than any other.
I believe we all want to be chosen. Because being chosen means that you are loved. And that you are, very loved by your Creator.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you."
John 15:16
Saturday, December 13, 2014
The song
At Gracia's funeral, December 13, 2012, we had Steve's brother, Ben, play guitar and sing worship songs. Ben buried his wife and daughter just two months before. His boldness to proclaim God's goodness through music was medicine to my soul. His life after death gave me hope.
He sang his late wife's favorite song "Jesus Savior Pilot me" and the song we requested, "How He loves".
If you are a church goer, you know how common it is to sing "How He loves" by David Crowder Band. I typically start off the song with courage and then it gets to the lyrics "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" and each time I lose it. I let the people around me sing, their voices raise to the Heavenly realm and I say the words quietly as a thankful pray.
Two years ago, I prayed that my afflictions would be eclipsed by glory. And they have. That song is a reminder to me of what God has done AND is continuing to do for me.
"In all their affliction, He too was afflicted and the angel of His presence SAVED them; in His love and in His pity He REDEEMED them; He lifted them up and carried them ALL THE DAYS of old"
He sang his late wife's favorite song "Jesus Savior Pilot me" and the song we requested, "How He loves".
If you are a church goer, you know how common it is to sing "How He loves" by David Crowder Band. I typically start off the song with courage and then it gets to the lyrics "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" and each time I lose it. I let the people around me sing, their voices raise to the Heavenly realm and I say the words quietly as a thankful pray.
Two years ago, I prayed that my afflictions would be eclipsed by glory. And they have. That song is a reminder to me of what God has done AND is continuing to do for me.
"In all their affliction, He too was afflicted and the angel of His presence SAVED them; in His love and in His pity He REDEEMED them; He lifted them up and carried them ALL THE DAYS of old"
Isaiah 63:9
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
my Healer
The thing with a death is that you don't have just one day you remember. It's many days. Each has it's own significance. Two years ago today, I met my daughter Gracia. I got to study her toes and discover that she has the same piggies as her older sister, Keilah. And they share a nose. I memorized the lines of her lips. They were perfect. She had curly brown hair. My other children are blond and even though my husband has brown hair now, he didn't when he was a child. So I claim Gracia's brunette curls as mine :)
I want people to know that I'm not sad, I'm only just reflecting. It's a good place to be in to be able to look back on a painful time and not be depressed. God has healed me 100%. It was a choice to turn to Him and call upon Him as my Healer. My story is proof that He can do the same for you. I am no special than you. I am chosen, just as you are chosen. You are His child, just as I am. He wants to heal you just as He has healed me. Now being healed doesn't mean that I don't let tears drop, because my tears make me human. To me, it means what was once a dark place now has light. My gaping wound is now a scar, a beauty mark. My daughter's death refined me and my Savior's death has given us both new life. Sorrow is just temporary, eternity with Christ is my anchor.
I want people to know that I'm not sad, I'm only just reflecting. It's a good place to be in to be able to look back on a painful time and not be depressed. God has healed me 100%. It was a choice to turn to Him and call upon Him as my Healer. My story is proof that He can do the same for you. I am no special than you. I am chosen, just as you are chosen. You are His child, just as I am. He wants to heal you just as He has healed me. Now being healed doesn't mean that I don't let tears drop, because my tears make me human. To me, it means what was once a dark place now has light. My gaping wound is now a scar, a beauty mark. My daughter's death refined me and my Savior's death has given us both new life. Sorrow is just temporary, eternity with Christ is my anchor.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Surviving the Sword
Today marks Gracia's 2 year anniversary. I was pretty worried how I would feel today and I have to say I'm a little surprised how stable I am. I've thought to myself that it must be because it's been two years, but then I remembered that time doesn't heal. God does.
I was able to go through Gracia's memory box with very little tears. It's hard to explain but I'm thankful she's in Heaven, she was a very sick baby girl. I read my journal and one excerpt that stuck out to me was how I could feel Gracia dying. Her movements became less and less. As she filled with fluid my belly swelled. Carrying her straight to Heaven was a gift.
I've talked with Keilah about Gracia many times. Her name is common in our household. I reminded Keilah of a dream she had while she stayed with Aunt Mimi, when I was in the hospital delivering Gracia. Mimi wrote down that sleeping Keilah said "hold my hand Gracia" then a moment later said "please". Then I noticed a tear falling down Keilah's cheek so I grabbed her for a hug and she let out the deepest cry. It's as if she held on to those tears for two years. I have never heard weeping like that before. I prayed for her as I held her. I didn't try to get her to stop her crying. I understand what it's like to just let the tears come. Once she calmed down she said they were happy tears, but she misses Gracia.
We went to the store and we each picked a flower for Gracia's grave. Daddy and Keilah picked purple flowers and Simon chose an orange daisy and I chose some sparkly Christmas flowers. This was Simon's first time visiting Gracia's grave.
When Gracia's death pierced my soul, I wondered how I would survive but I found grace in the wilderness. He is enough for me.
"The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness"
Jeremiah 31:2
I was able to go through Gracia's memory box with very little tears. It's hard to explain but I'm thankful she's in Heaven, she was a very sick baby girl. I read my journal and one excerpt that stuck out to me was how I could feel Gracia dying. Her movements became less and less. As she filled with fluid my belly swelled. Carrying her straight to Heaven was a gift.
I've talked with Keilah about Gracia many times. Her name is common in our household. I reminded Keilah of a dream she had while she stayed with Aunt Mimi, when I was in the hospital delivering Gracia. Mimi wrote down that sleeping Keilah said "hold my hand Gracia" then a moment later said "please". Then I noticed a tear falling down Keilah's cheek so I grabbed her for a hug and she let out the deepest cry. It's as if she held on to those tears for two years. I have never heard weeping like that before. I prayed for her as I held her. I didn't try to get her to stop her crying. I understand what it's like to just let the tears come. Once she calmed down she said they were happy tears, but she misses Gracia.
We went to the store and we each picked a flower for Gracia's grave. Daddy and Keilah picked purple flowers and Simon chose an orange daisy and I chose some sparkly Christmas flowers. This was Simon's first time visiting Gracia's grave.
When Gracia's death pierced my soul, I wondered how I would survive but I found grace in the wilderness. He is enough for me.
"The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness"
Jeremiah 31:2
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
My everything
The theme for my church's women's retreat this year is "Who am I?" On the character of God and it's really got me thinking who is God to me. If you had to choose one name to encompass who God is to you, what would you choose? Deliverer, Father, Prince of Peace, Redeemer...the list goes on and on.
I have been wracking my mind the last few days and thought I had settled on one and then the next day it was another. This morning as I gave myself time with God but found myself distracted, I got a text from a friend. She was obviously prompted by the Spirit and as I listened to "though you slay me" by Shane and Shane, my heart filled and tears rushed down my cheeks.
I don't know how to receive a compliment when I get thanked for how I lived when Gracia was dying. At the time, I didn't know what else to do but to love my Lord. He was my Breath, my Smile, my Strength, my Rock, my Comfort, my Hope, my Clarity, my Voice.
He was my Everything.
I didn't just want Him as my Redeemer or my Deliverer. I wanted ALL of Him. Every inch of Him, I thirsted for. He was my very bread of life.
It was a very special, unique and intimate time with God. A time that I treasure.
There isn't one facet of God that I cling to more than another. I am hungry for Him. I have tasted His goodness and I want to feast on His life giving buffet. He doesn't just have one dish in mind for you, He has a buffet. Everything you can imagine and everything you can't imagine. And He's offering it to you. His very word and promise will sustain you.
In the quiet and the chaos, in the plagues and in the blessings, in the new day and in the darkest night...Lord, may I choose You. You are my Everything.
I have been wracking my mind the last few days and thought I had settled on one and then the next day it was another. This morning as I gave myself time with God but found myself distracted, I got a text from a friend. She was obviously prompted by the Spirit and as I listened to "though you slay me" by Shane and Shane, my heart filled and tears rushed down my cheeks.
I don't know how to receive a compliment when I get thanked for how I lived when Gracia was dying. At the time, I didn't know what else to do but to love my Lord. He was my Breath, my Smile, my Strength, my Rock, my Comfort, my Hope, my Clarity, my Voice.
He was my Everything.
I didn't just want Him as my Redeemer or my Deliverer. I wanted ALL of Him. Every inch of Him, I thirsted for. He was my very bread of life.
It was a very special, unique and intimate time with God. A time that I treasure.
There isn't one facet of God that I cling to more than another. I am hungry for Him. I have tasted His goodness and I want to feast on His life giving buffet. He doesn't just have one dish in mind for you, He has a buffet. Everything you can imagine and everything you can't imagine. And He's offering it to you. His very word and promise will sustain you.
In the quiet and the chaos, in the plagues and in the blessings, in the new day and in the darkest night...Lord, may I choose You. You are my Everything.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Heaven Minded
Losing Gracia has forced me to meditate on the eternal. I think before her death I didn't understand the gravity of eternity. Often, I day dream of Heaven. Keilah and I talk about what animals we'll play with and how we'll spend our time.
I imagine Gracia dancing and singing. I imagine her playing soccer with her Sister, Cousin and Aunt. I imagine the wisdom and strength God has given her. I imagine the playful personality He's given her sister. I imagine both of their green eyes, just like their Daddy. I imagine their curly hair, bright smiles and pure skin. I also think how Keilah is the big sister to all of them. Thinking of them doesn't necessarily make me sad. It makes them very real to me. We are just separated for a while.
God has shared so much with us but He's also saved some things, the best is yet to come. Not everything has been revealed. Eternity with Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit (along with our loved ones) already sounds so marvelous I can't imagine what surprises lie ahead. What a good God we serve.
I think about all the things here on earth that bother me, that ail me. Lack of sleep, poor eating habits, not enough time in the day, making meals, meal planning, grocery shopping, budgets, replacing broken things, organizing and de-cluttering, cleaning dishes, cleaning house...the list of toil goes on and on. Even as I wash my face everyday and put on my make-up I think about how mundane it is and how one day it will end. Things will need to be re-placed because we live in a broken, fallen World.
I don't think of these things and feel dragged down and frustrated that I'm having to do them. I think of them and then my mind quickly thinks with a smile"In Heaven, I won't have to do this anymore!"
Although MAC creates some mighty fine eyeliner and gorgeous shimmer eye shadows, it will pale in comparison to how God will perfect me. I do enjoy my Picky-Palate meals but God is preparing a lavish feast for me. I really enjoy my new home and there are some pretty upgrades but God has a mansion that will make this house look like a garbage can.
As I eagerly await my turn to go Home, I will gladly do the dishes.
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16
I imagine Gracia dancing and singing. I imagine her playing soccer with her Sister, Cousin and Aunt. I imagine the wisdom and strength God has given her. I imagine the playful personality He's given her sister. I imagine both of their green eyes, just like their Daddy. I imagine their curly hair, bright smiles and pure skin. I also think how Keilah is the big sister to all of them. Thinking of them doesn't necessarily make me sad. It makes them very real to me. We are just separated for a while.
God has shared so much with us but He's also saved some things, the best is yet to come. Not everything has been revealed. Eternity with Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit (along with our loved ones) already sounds so marvelous I can't imagine what surprises lie ahead. What a good God we serve.
I think about all the things here on earth that bother me, that ail me. Lack of sleep, poor eating habits, not enough time in the day, making meals, meal planning, grocery shopping, budgets, replacing broken things, organizing and de-cluttering, cleaning dishes, cleaning house...the list of toil goes on and on. Even as I wash my face everyday and put on my make-up I think about how mundane it is and how one day it will end. Things will need to be re-placed because we live in a broken, fallen World.
I don't think of these things and feel dragged down and frustrated that I'm having to do them. I think of them and then my mind quickly thinks with a smile"In Heaven, I won't have to do this anymore!"
Although MAC creates some mighty fine eyeliner and gorgeous shimmer eye shadows, it will pale in comparison to how God will perfect me. I do enjoy my Picky-Palate meals but God is preparing a lavish feast for me. I really enjoy my new home and there are some pretty upgrades but God has a mansion that will make this house look like a garbage can.
As I eagerly await my turn to go Home, I will gladly do the dishes.
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Meet with Me
I'm not sure where I went wrong. I don't know if one day I decided that I deserved my son because I grieved Gracia's death hard and did my duty serving God well enough that I believed that being a Mommy to a newborn would be joyous, easy and pleasant. Why did I forget how hard the sleepless nights and nursing would be? Especially on top of the normal demands of life. Why did I think balancing all of my duties would be easy. I was never promised easy. Along with all these responsibilities God also gave me the Holy Spirit. I may not always bear fruit but I know He is able, but I am weak. It's a fight of the flesh. Flesh is winning, which means that I am losing.
14 weeks have flown by. I no longer have a new born, I have a 3 month old. He rolls over, he sheepishly smiles, he watches his Daddy's every move. He doesn't nap, he has a never ending pit for a tummy, he cries when I put him down. He needs me. Which makes me need Him more than ever.
Saying that I am fatigued or sleep deprived is an under statement. Although, I don't know what I am. I am learning to function because I have to. And because I want to.
Most days I pretend that my matted hair, shirt drenched in spit up and yesterdays make-up is glamorous. This is what I have prayed for. This is what my heart has yearned for. I should be happy, right?
I have learned to whisper "Meet with me. Meet with me, Lord. Will you meet with me?"
As I rock Simon for an afternoon nap, I start to sing. Not for him, but for me. Songs fill my heart and I forget that I need to be quiet. My soul needs to be soothed. So I sing boldly, making each word count. Making each word a plea. Show me You are good. That You are worthy. Tears start to escape my weary eyes and I look down at the child I am holding. He's asleep. And I am quieted.
God met with me.
14 weeks have flown by. I no longer have a new born, I have a 3 month old. He rolls over, he sheepishly smiles, he watches his Daddy's every move. He doesn't nap, he has a never ending pit for a tummy, he cries when I put him down. He needs me. Which makes me need Him more than ever.
Saying that I am fatigued or sleep deprived is an under statement. Although, I don't know what I am. I am learning to function because I have to. And because I want to.
Most days I pretend that my matted hair, shirt drenched in spit up and yesterdays make-up is glamorous. This is what I have prayed for. This is what my heart has yearned for. I should be happy, right?
I have learned to whisper "Meet with me. Meet with me, Lord. Will you meet with me?"
As I rock Simon for an afternoon nap, I start to sing. Not for him, but for me. Songs fill my heart and I forget that I need to be quiet. My soul needs to be soothed. So I sing boldly, making each word count. Making each word a plea. Show me You are good. That You are worthy. Tears start to escape my weary eyes and I look down at the child I am holding. He's asleep. And I am quieted.
God met with me.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
My Beloved has Heard
Thursday January 30th, I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy. I have a son! My soul is elated. Nearing his birth I really thought that I would spend my sleepless, nursing nights in tears. Thankful tears. But instead, I am over joyed. Every time he wakes I am excited. I can't wait to take care of my sweet son, the baby I've wanted for years. I often find myself shouting in my head "I have a baby!" I want to show him to the world. You know in the movie, The Lion King, when Simba is born and he is presented to the kingdom? When he is lifted up for all to see and the animals "cheer"...that's what I am tempted to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am so very excited for his life (and really my new life) that I want to parade him around! For now, I happily hand him over to any willing arms. I get the joy of taking care of him and raising him but I want to be in the habit of letting him go because I believe that God has placed a precious calling on his life.
For those of you that know me and know my journey, this baby of mine is a big deal. Worth celebrating, perhaps even worth parading around. I have spent the last two years pregnant, three different times. Each ending with different results. A miscarriage, a burial and now a birth.
We didn't choose the name Simon. God told us the name four times. We listened. Simon means "has heard" and we chose the name David because it's a family name and King David saved the city of Keilah (our daughters name is Keilah). David means beloved.
As I rock Simon to sleep, give him baby massages, change his diapers, I thank God. I wonder who he will grow to become and how God will use him. My heart still dances when I catch Steve playing peek-a-boo with his son or when I find Keilah gawking over her brother, that she's nicknamed Si Si. I cherish all these moments, they are forever engrained in my memory. They don't replace the other heart wrenching memories that I have. I remember those very well. But it makes it easier to re-visit my heart ache. It's been a long and hard journey and I am not near the finish line but I already have my prize. Peace in Jesus, Faith that's been multiplied, a prayer life that has been strengthened and a son.
I've anticipated Simon's lullaby so when I caught myself singing the same song over and over again, I decided to look at it more closely. It's the well known Revelation song. In Revelation 4, it says that four appointed creatures sing "Holy Holy Holy is The Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come" day and night. They never stop. It goes on to say "Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives forever and ever, they worship. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and their being." God willed Simon's life. Praise Him!
I thank God that I feel satisfied, I'm full because of all He's done for me. Glory to God!
For those of you that know me and know my journey, this baby of mine is a big deal. Worth celebrating, perhaps even worth parading around. I have spent the last two years pregnant, three different times. Each ending with different results. A miscarriage, a burial and now a birth.
We didn't choose the name Simon. God told us the name four times. We listened. Simon means "has heard" and we chose the name David because it's a family name and King David saved the city of Keilah (our daughters name is Keilah). David means beloved.
As I rock Simon to sleep, give him baby massages, change his diapers, I thank God. I wonder who he will grow to become and how God will use him. My heart still dances when I catch Steve playing peek-a-boo with his son or when I find Keilah gawking over her brother, that she's nicknamed Si Si. I cherish all these moments, they are forever engrained in my memory. They don't replace the other heart wrenching memories that I have. I remember those very well. But it makes it easier to re-visit my heart ache. It's been a long and hard journey and I am not near the finish line but I already have my prize. Peace in Jesus, Faith that's been multiplied, a prayer life that has been strengthened and a son.
I've anticipated Simon's lullaby so when I caught myself singing the same song over and over again, I decided to look at it more closely. It's the well known Revelation song. In Revelation 4, it says that four appointed creatures sing "Holy Holy Holy is The Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come" day and night. They never stop. It goes on to say "Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives forever and ever, they worship. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and their being." God willed Simon's life. Praise Him!
I thank God that I feel satisfied, I'm full because of all He's done for me. Glory to God!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Come and listen
It's crucial to share what God has done. It encourages and catapults us into action, praise and thanksgiving. It forces our eyes on Him and clears our vision.
Come and listen. Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Back in the Springtime, I remember a cloudy afternoon. I wanted to go running but knew that rain was coming. I asked Keilah to join and she was happy to accompany me. We made our way to the trail at the end of our neighborhood and began our jog. We both remained silent for a while. Then Keilah said "I hope we get to see a rainbow." And I thought "I sure could use a rainbow." The days leading up to that afternoon I had grown very weary. Life had been tough. Rainbows come after a storm and I was ready for my cloudy days to be gone.
Sure enough, the rain came and we ran back to the car. When we got home Keilah said she wanted to show me something. She got on the iPad and opened up the Gospel Project app, she filtered through options and turned up the volume. She pressed play and it was a song that said "I will keep keep my covenants, between me and you, between me and you" And the background picture was rainbow after rainbow. I cried. I knew God used Keilah to remind me of the covenant He made with me.
About a month earlier, I had been reading the Bible and kept coming across times in the Bible where a woman was about to become pregnant and was told to refrain from alcohol etc. I thought it was strange that I kept finding those verses. I listened, even though I felt a little crazy. As I read those verses I felt Him telling me that I was to become pregnant.
One Summer morning, Keilah came out of her bedroom and said "Mama, you are going to have a baby boy!" I believed her, I think. That was one week before I took a pregnancy test that blurted out my positive result.
Come and listen. Let me tell you what He has done for us.
I wondered how my role in Lullaby of Hope would change. God sent me my ministry partner, Beth, in April. Her name was like a flashing neon sign. I remember telling God "Okay, I get it. There's something special about Beth." She was hungry to help with Lullaby of Hope. I knew nothing of her, except that we both lost our babies. God asked me to bring Beth alongside me. I wanted to trust God, but was also cautious about allowing her to join the ministry. So, I started to include Beth. She joined me at a conference in June. She brought me a gift with a card to encourage me because she knew I was nervous. She was just the ministry partner that I needed. God knew I needed her and He wanted her. I am ever so thankful that I was obedient to God's prompting. God's work is not meant to be done alone. Watching Beth grow in her relationship with Christ has been a true blessing for me. I am fully confident in her loyalty to God and her desire to be changed by Him. Now, our ministry responsibilities are shared. She and I spoke at a local MOPS group last month. I felt like a proud Mama sitting in the crowd.
The day I spoke at the MOPS group, I realized that the following day would be my baby's first birthday, if she had not stopped growing at 12 weeks. And that I was 23 weeks along with my son and Gracia died at 23 weeks. God is intentional. He makes a point to show you His sovereignty. His loving control for my life, quiets my sometimes nervous soul.
God is making Himself known through reading the Bible, people that surround you, prayer time, your child or spouse, your pain, your thoughts and your triumphs. Take time for the infinite God and listen. He is speaking to you.
Come and listen, David Crowder Band
One Summer morning, Keilah came out of her bedroom and said "Mama, you are going to have a baby boy!" I believed her, I think. That was one week before I took a pregnancy test that blurted out my positive result.
Come and listen. Let me tell you what He has done for us.
I wondered how my role in Lullaby of Hope would change. God sent me my ministry partner, Beth, in April. Her name was like a flashing neon sign. I remember telling God "Okay, I get it. There's something special about Beth." She was hungry to help with Lullaby of Hope. I knew nothing of her, except that we both lost our babies. God asked me to bring Beth alongside me. I wanted to trust God, but was also cautious about allowing her to join the ministry. So, I started to include Beth. She joined me at a conference in June. She brought me a gift with a card to encourage me because she knew I was nervous. She was just the ministry partner that I needed. God knew I needed her and He wanted her. I am ever so thankful that I was obedient to God's prompting. God's work is not meant to be done alone. Watching Beth grow in her relationship with Christ has been a true blessing for me. I am fully confident in her loyalty to God and her desire to be changed by Him. Now, our ministry responsibilities are shared. She and I spoke at a local MOPS group last month. I felt like a proud Mama sitting in the crowd.
The day I spoke at the MOPS group, I realized that the following day would be my baby's first birthday, if she had not stopped growing at 12 weeks. And that I was 23 weeks along with my son and Gracia died at 23 weeks. God is intentional. He makes a point to show you His sovereignty. His loving control for my life, quiets my sometimes nervous soul.
God is making Himself known through reading the Bible, people that surround you, prayer time, your child or spouse, your pain, your thoughts and your triumphs. Take time for the infinite God and listen. He is speaking to you.
Come and listen, David Crowder Band
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Relishing in Redemption
Redemption is the act of being saved from evil.
Last year I journeyed through great evil. The enemy intended to harm me, but God intended to use my pain for His good. Satan holds the power of death. What a grip he has. I believe it's a fine line of desiring and praying for God's plan, life here on earth, verses acting on fear to sustain life on earth. Everybody wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to die.
I am 27 weeks along with my son. That sentence alone shoots a mile long smile, gleaming across my face. He is healthy and will be born in January. Some might wonder how I am coping with another pregnancy. Well, I am not coping at all, I am joyful in grace. I understand the gravity of seeing a specialist each month, yet I am not paralyzed by the possibility of a repeated story. I am 9 weeks ahead of Gracia's gestational age. Which allows me to have a reminder of Gracia's pregnancy, but also enough distance to help me remember that my son's life is uniquely different.
With the holidays coming up, I was remembering what we did last year and thinking about how this year will be different. I remember just before Keilah's 3rd Birthday, October 14, 2012, I announced my pregnancy with Gracia. At Thanksgiving last year, I remember uncomfortably talking about Gracia's future as if her impending death wasn't real. I remember missing my husband's Christmas party because we had just buried our daughter, 3 days before.
This year the same events and milestones will come. Keilah's Birthday has been wildly celebrated. Thanksgiving and Christmas will once again return. Only this time, a year later, we get to freely enjoy them.
I am at the place in life where I can eagerly recount the Lords steadfast love. He has brought me out of mire and placed my feet on solid ground. What a mighty work He has done in a years time. I am relishing in His great redemption for me.
Sometimes God redeems us from our pain and sometimes God redeems us through our pain.
Last year I journeyed through great evil. The enemy intended to harm me, but God intended to use my pain for His good. Satan holds the power of death. What a grip he has. I believe it's a fine line of desiring and praying for God's plan, life here on earth, verses acting on fear to sustain life on earth. Everybody wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to die.
I am 27 weeks along with my son. That sentence alone shoots a mile long smile, gleaming across my face. He is healthy and will be born in January. Some might wonder how I am coping with another pregnancy. Well, I am not coping at all, I am joyful in grace. I understand the gravity of seeing a specialist each month, yet I am not paralyzed by the possibility of a repeated story. I am 9 weeks ahead of Gracia's gestational age. Which allows me to have a reminder of Gracia's pregnancy, but also enough distance to help me remember that my son's life is uniquely different.
With the holidays coming up, I was remembering what we did last year and thinking about how this year will be different. I remember just before Keilah's 3rd Birthday, October 14, 2012, I announced my pregnancy with Gracia. At Thanksgiving last year, I remember uncomfortably talking about Gracia's future as if her impending death wasn't real. I remember missing my husband's Christmas party because we had just buried our daughter, 3 days before.
This year the same events and milestones will come. Keilah's Birthday has been wildly celebrated. Thanksgiving and Christmas will once again return. Only this time, a year later, we get to freely enjoy them.
I am at the place in life where I can eagerly recount the Lords steadfast love. He has brought me out of mire and placed my feet on solid ground. What a mighty work He has done in a years time. I am relishing in His great redemption for me.
Sometimes God redeems us from our pain and sometimes God redeems us through our pain.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Testimony
I have a handful of failed ventures in my life. Some of which are disappointing and maybe a little embarrassing. And sometimes I consider my ministry, Lullaby of Hope, and how I wish God chose someone else. It causes me to re-live my daughters death at times that I want to be happy. But God calls us to be holy, not happy. He has given me an incredible testimony. Why would I ever wish that testimony to go away? This week has been challenging as I have ministered to two Mother's that gave birth to their babies and then their babies died. One at 3 days old and the other at 6 weeks old. I feel inadequate to reach out to them because Gracia died 24 weeks gestational. But as I trust God, He fills the gap. I don't have to be a perfect fit, I just have to be willing. He is the potter and I am the clay. As I consider the last 10 months of my life, I am humbled and so very thankful. God has developed my testimony into a unique story that can't be distorted. A story that can not be forgotten. A story that I get to share with generations to come.
Forgive me Father for wanting to write my own story, clearly You are the great author.
Forgive me Father for wanting to write my own story, clearly You are the great author.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
See you soon, Mommy
I didn't understand why Gracia's due date had to be on Easter. I knew there was a reason, because God is purposeful and sovereign. Before we reached the cemetery we made a pit stop at the gas station. I was annoyed with myself because I hadn't gotten her flowers dolled up the way I had envisioned. In desperation I opened a card that a dear friend gave to me that morning. It said "Your arms are empty, but so is the tomb!" I smiled :) FINALLY the answer I ached for. I knew right away that I wanted to write that on her ribbon.
When we got to the cemetery Keilah was quick to collect rocks, she used them to decorate Gracia's grave. She was adamant that she be the one to put Gracia's flowers in the ground.
My arms are empty, but so is the tomb. Thank You, Jesus!
Keilah ran around the cemetery asking us to chase her. She was comfortable in a place I'd rather not be. She found beauty where I found heart ache. I was so thankful for her playfulness. She wanted to know all they baby names that were by Gracia. She even memorized a few. She took time to look at each baby grave to see what their loved ones left for them. She was excited to find a light blue bunny sitting on a little boys grave.
Revelation 22:12 Behold, I am coming soon!
When I say "I'll be there soon" I intend to be there in 15 minutes. That's not what God meant and that's not what I mean either. I know the sanctity of life, the precious gift of time on earth. I pray for God's plan with all my heart.
Galatians 5:5 For by faith, we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness in which we hope.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
It's all good
Last Tuesday God woke me to blog about my miscarriage last April. I wrote it in 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so filled with the Spirit I cried tears of thanksgiving. The rest of the day was full of blessings. After lunch Keilah asked for me to play Trip Lee, as song after song played we busted out some funky dance moves. As number 14 played I heard every lyric clearly. Listening to it one time wasn't enough, so I put it on repeat. The lyric that really got me was "People ask me how I survive it all, I tell them 'bout my Lord" That is exactly what I do. That is not to boast in myself, but in God. Anytime I get a compliment on my strength or courage I am quick to say "The Lord has been good to me." And He has.
As I meditated on what felt like inappropriate times to sing, God revealed to me Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit. Sing to God with gratitude in your hearts. All along, it was the Spirit singing. Now it makes sense why I sang the night before my D&C, why I sang the day I buried Gracia and why I sang all day last Tuesday. He will give oil of joy instead of mourning, Isaiah 61:3
The next day I read a testimony that my best friend wrote for the NICU and as I read her daughter's stats I couldn't help but compare them to Gracia's. Her daughter was born at 23.2 weeks, 1lb 9oz and 12 inches long. Gracia was delivered at 23.4 weeks, 1lb 15oz and 13 inches long. I cried. So happy for her daughter's life and so sad for Gracia's death. As I let the tears slip silently I heard Keilah belt out "It's all good! It's all good!" It was a sweet reminder that it is all good. To remember the joy I had the day before and why that joy was present.
The following day at Bible study (The law of Love, Beth Moore), the lesson was on the good land. In fact Part one was "How to sing a song of the good land." How fitting :)
For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which YOU WILL LACK NOTHING, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full, and YOU SHALL BLESS THE LORD YOUR GOD FOR THE GOOD LAND HE HAS GIVEN YOU. Deuteronomy 8:7-10
3 days in a row, God showed me through songs, through Keilah and through His word that it's all good.
I am so thankful for the ways that He chooses to speak to me. And so thankful for the good land that He has given me.
As I meditated on what felt like inappropriate times to sing, God revealed to me Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit. Sing to God with gratitude in your hearts. All along, it was the Spirit singing. Now it makes sense why I sang the night before my D&C, why I sang the day I buried Gracia and why I sang all day last Tuesday. He will give oil of joy instead of mourning, Isaiah 61:3
The next day I read a testimony that my best friend wrote for the NICU and as I read her daughter's stats I couldn't help but compare them to Gracia's. Her daughter was born at 23.2 weeks, 1lb 9oz and 12 inches long. Gracia was delivered at 23.4 weeks, 1lb 15oz and 13 inches long. I cried. So happy for her daughter's life and so sad for Gracia's death. As I let the tears slip silently I heard Keilah belt out "It's all good! It's all good!" It was a sweet reminder that it is all good. To remember the joy I had the day before and why that joy was present.
The following day at Bible study (The law of Love, Beth Moore), the lesson was on the good land. In fact Part one was "How to sing a song of the good land." How fitting :)
For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which YOU WILL LACK NOTHING, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full, and YOU SHALL BLESS THE LORD YOUR GOD FOR THE GOOD LAND HE HAS GIVEN YOU. Deuteronomy 8:7-10
3 days in a row, God showed me through songs, through Keilah and through His word that it's all good.
I am so thankful for the ways that He chooses to speak to me. And so thankful for the good land that He has given me.
Bless the Lord O my soul,
O my soul,
Worship His holy name,
Sing like never before,
O my soul,
I'll worship Your holy name
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Hope through thorns
April 16, 2012 felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 2 days earlier I learned that the baby I was carrying died. I had a sonogram to take measurements to find out when my baby stopped growing. I'll never forget what the sonographer said "Well, your baby is curled up. So it makes measurements difficult." My baby was dead. That was a Monday and my D&C was scheduled for that Wednesday. My doctor prescribed a pill to soften my cervix and by 4am I was having labor pains. Painful enough that I could no longer sleep. The best way to describe what came next was dumping. The uncontrollable dumping that my body did. Nothing I could do would stop it. It felt like gallons of blood were rushing forth. I stood in the bathroom covered in blood and I couldn't see through the tears and Steve had to clean me up. It was like a horror movie. When my brother arrived to do some 5am babysitting, we left. I thought the worse was over. Our drive to the hospital was silent. I stepped out of the car and did a little cheer in my head because no dumping happened. Then it did. I stood in the circle drive covered. I was still trying to figure out why all this dumping was happening, were all miscarriages this bad? I was embarrassed. I took off my hoodie and tied it around my waist. I waddled to the front desk to get signed in. The receptionist was already signing in another patient so I had to wait. She gave me a blanket to sit on. I have never felt so demoralized. What felt like ages, I finally got my turn to get checked in. I had to sign all the paperwork because it was I getting the surgery done. I was so mad. In so much pain. I begrudgingly handed over my visa to make my first payment. It all felt so wrong. I finally got called back to get prepped for surgery. She handed me a gown and I laughed at the pad she gave me. I started to peel the blood soaked clothes off of me and the blinding tears began. I thought I was doing good until I found part of the placenta stuck to my leg. I screamed. My nurse and Steve rushed to my aid. My nurses motherly instincts took over. My body was shaking from losing so much blood and from all the pain I was in. I laid in my hospital bed, Steve holding my hand. Silent once again. I so desperately needed prayer, but I couldn't even whisper my request. Just then my nurse said someone was here for me to pray with me. I assumed it was a hospital chaplain, but when she announced the name of a dear friend I quickly said yes. I knew God sent her in a very weak time. She held my hand and Steve's and prayed over us. When I opened my eyes my doctor was there, ready to take me back. It was just like the movies when I was being wheeled back to surgery. When I woke up I felt sooooo good. No more pain. When we were back at home we laid in bed eating cookies and sandwiches that a friend brought over. We felt like we were skipping school. We spent the rest of the day resting and enjoying each other's company. A perfect ending to a not so perfect day.
At the time, I felt picked on. At the time, it was the worse thing to happen to me and my family. At the time, I was very angry. I felt like a statistic. I was confused. In the book of Jonah, he too was confused and angry. He didn't understand God's way and I can say "Amen!" to that! It might seem silly to compare my baby to a plant that withered. But I too was exceedingly glad (Jonah 4:6) over new life. And, I too was angry enough I would have chosen to die (Jonah 4:9). Ecclesiastes 3:20 All are from dust, and to dust all return.
Jonah 4:10-11
And the Lord said, "You pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow, which came into being in a night and perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle?"
The Lord's compassion is great.
God had sympathetic pity and concern for the suffering I was in. His compassion is great and never-ending.
Lamentations 3:22
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never come to an end.
Lord, thank You for my thorns. For there is hope through thorns.
At the time, I felt picked on. At the time, it was the worse thing to happen to me and my family. At the time, I was very angry. I felt like a statistic. I was confused. In the book of Jonah, he too was confused and angry. He didn't understand God's way and I can say "Amen!" to that! It might seem silly to compare my baby to a plant that withered. But I too was exceedingly glad (Jonah 4:6) over new life. And, I too was angry enough I would have chosen to die (Jonah 4:9). Ecclesiastes 3:20 All are from dust, and to dust all return.
Jonah 4:10-11
And the Lord said, "You pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow, which came into being in a night and perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle?"
The Lord's compassion is great.
God had sympathetic pity and concern for the suffering I was in. His compassion is great and never-ending.
Lamentations 3:22
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never come to an end.
Lord, thank You for my thorns. For there is hope through thorns.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
How He loves
I've taken on a new hobby. I am fascinated with birds. I didn't wake up one day thinking this would be my next venture, but God did. A few weeks ago I had my sister, Meredith, over. I planned to share Gracia's pictures with her and recount that time of her death. As I was cleaning up breakfast that morning I glanced out on my deck and saw a large bird sitting on my grill. It turned to look at me, we stared at each other for a few seconds. I even waved at the bird. I knew it was from God. When I had time to google birds of Missouri, I discovered that the bird I saw was a mourning dove. God gifted me with a mourning dove the day I was to gush about Gracia. He loves me.
Meredith was a great support to me when Gracia was diagnosed. She accompanied me to my final doctor appointment, when we received confirmation that Gracia's heart had stopped. She took time off work to care for Keilah while I was in the hospital. She picked up Gracia's flowers for her casket. She hosted Gracia's open house. Without Meredith stepping in, I'm not sure how those dreadful days in December would have played out. I am forever grateful for her. I don't know how you thank someone who did so much for you in the worse time of your life. I so badly wanted to commemorate the bond that God gave us. Months ago I looked up anchor bracelets. I found one that I really liked but didn't pull the trigger. Before Meredith and I headed downstairs to look at Gracia's pictures, she said that she had something for me and she handed me the exact bracelet that I was looking to purchase. My jaw dropped. God is in the details. He cares deeply.
Meredith was a great support to me when Gracia was diagnosed. She accompanied me to my final doctor appointment, when we received confirmation that Gracia's heart had stopped. She took time off work to care for Keilah while I was in the hospital. She picked up Gracia's flowers for her casket. She hosted Gracia's open house. Without Meredith stepping in, I'm not sure how those dreadful days in December would have played out. I am forever grateful for her. I don't know how you thank someone who did so much for you in the worse time of your life. I so badly wanted to commemorate the bond that God gave us. Months ago I looked up anchor bracelets. I found one that I really liked but didn't pull the trigger. Before Meredith and I headed downstairs to look at Gracia's pictures, she said that she had something for me and she handed me the exact bracelet that I was looking to purchase. My jaw dropped. God is in the details. He cares deeply.
Job 33:14 For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.
God, I am listening. Speak, I will be quiet.
I am now living in Isaiah 63:7 I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. God says we will walk through fire and not be burned. He did just that for me. I may be charred but I didn't burn up in my pain. I'm on the other side. I made it through because of Him. The Lord was good to me. He has revealed secrets to me that are mine to keep (Deut. 29:29).
My niece, Selah Crosby, was named after Fanny Crosby. Fanny is well known for being a master lyricist, poet and composer. She became blind at 6 weeks old. In her biography she is quoted to say "had it not been for her affliction she might not have so good an education or have so great an influence, and certainly not so fine a memory." She also said "when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior". My affliction was my miscarriage last April and burying my daughter, Gracia, December 13th. But I thank God for my afflictions. The refinement that has blossomed is nothing I could have gained by bearing a healthy baby. I have been tried in the furnace of affliction and I have come out refined. All glory, honor and praise be to God.
But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. Psalm 73:28
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Under the sun
There is mass turmoil on earth. Great grief. Much pain. A call to persevere. And choices to be made.
I have seen all this under the sun.
My ministry, Lullaby of Hope, is growing. In less than two weeks, I got word of five new Mother's to minister to. Lullaby of Hope has now served ten women. That also means that ten little lives are now in Heaven. The last Mother that was brought to my attention is a dear friend of mine. Her father approached me at Passover service to share the heart breaking news. My heart beat at an abnormal speed as I walked towards her and uttered the words "I'm so sorry". I knew the day would come when I would need to speak hope and comfort to a church member, a friend and a sister in Christ. I spent the night in a pile of tissues, wet in tears and on the floor in prayer. Her loss sent me over the edge. Especially since Gracia's due date is in three short days.
One Mother, I have been working with is still carrying her baby. I now have known her for 10 weeks. The Lord has used her and I in magnificent ways. Undeniable proof of the Father's love for us. Each Mother that I come into contact with is different. Some I meet with and some get baskets delivered from the friend that shared the news with me. God directs me exactly what to write in each hand written card. This ministry has been the most challenging and the easiest thing I've committed to. Challenging because its a death ministry and each basket represents a life. Easy because Jesus left me with His Spirit, so the pressure is off me. Easy because I'm in His will.
There is an enemy. He's out to kill, steal and destroy you (John 10:10). I often come across Mother-to-be's full of fear. I'm sure satan is enjoying this epidemic of fear. Fear that their baby is going to die and fear that they will not be strong enough to get through it. God has given us a Spirit of courage, not timidity (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised to always be with us (Joshua 1:5) Our connection with Him is immediate and intimate (Psalm 116:1 & 1 John 5:14). I pray against the fear that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Be steadfast in Him and allow Him to reign over your thoughts (Isaiah 26:3). It's a battle (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). And victory is on our side (1 Corinthians 15:57), thanks be to God.....forever and ever, Amen.
I have seen all this under the sun.
My ministry, Lullaby of Hope, is growing. In less than two weeks, I got word of five new Mother's to minister to. Lullaby of Hope has now served ten women. That also means that ten little lives are now in Heaven. The last Mother that was brought to my attention is a dear friend of mine. Her father approached me at Passover service to share the heart breaking news. My heart beat at an abnormal speed as I walked towards her and uttered the words "I'm so sorry". I knew the day would come when I would need to speak hope and comfort to a church member, a friend and a sister in Christ. I spent the night in a pile of tissues, wet in tears and on the floor in prayer. Her loss sent me over the edge. Especially since Gracia's due date is in three short days.
One Mother, I have been working with is still carrying her baby. I now have known her for 10 weeks. The Lord has used her and I in magnificent ways. Undeniable proof of the Father's love for us. Each Mother that I come into contact with is different. Some I meet with and some get baskets delivered from the friend that shared the news with me. God directs me exactly what to write in each hand written card. This ministry has been the most challenging and the easiest thing I've committed to. Challenging because its a death ministry and each basket represents a life. Easy because Jesus left me with His Spirit, so the pressure is off me. Easy because I'm in His will.
There is an enemy. He's out to kill, steal and destroy you (John 10:10). I often come across Mother-to-be's full of fear. I'm sure satan is enjoying this epidemic of fear. Fear that their baby is going to die and fear that they will not be strong enough to get through it. God has given us a Spirit of courage, not timidity (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised to always be with us (Joshua 1:5) Our connection with Him is immediate and intimate (Psalm 116:1 & 1 John 5:14). I pray against the fear that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Be steadfast in Him and allow Him to reign over your thoughts (Isaiah 26:3). It's a battle (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). And victory is on our side (1 Corinthians 15:57), thanks be to God.....forever and ever, Amen.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Choosing to remember
Strange how cold deli meat or raw cookie dough make you think twice about consuming it. Almost eight months ago I had to quit those bad habits. For good reason, I was pregnant. I'm not sure how long it takes to form a habit, but I can tell you that it's taken nearly 7 weeks for me to form new habits. I've had to remind myself that the growling in my tummy isn't my baby moving. I no longer have to take daily vitamins. I no longer have to drink 3-4 quarts of water a day or limit my caffeine consumption.
As time passes our memory fades. I've had to choose to remember. Remember the anticipation of welcoming new life, remember the fear when we initially were given the news of Gracia, remember the anger and hurt, remember holding back tears, remember crying out to God, remember planning a funeral instead of a baby shower, remember the peace God gave us, remember those who reached out to us, remember the sleepless nights. I don't know if I will ever remember my loss without feeling like there's a knot in my throat or that I can't stop the tears from falling. But still, I choose to remember.
January 7th was my Birthday. It was also the fourth Monday since I delivered Gracia. I knew it would be a hard day and it was. Hard to celebrate my life when I was still grieving Gracia's. Through good friends, God showed me I was still worth celebrating. That life is worth celebrating. My husband, Steve, threw me a surprise belated Quincenera party. 13 years belated.
I got a Facebook message from my first recipient of Lullaby of Hope. Her loss was much different than mine, but we both share the pain of losing our daughters. I expected to minister to her, but didn't realize that she would also minister to me. When I read her blog http://gregandelizabethcook.blogspot.com/ it brought the pain I've been trying to shove down to the surface. She talks about tears in public and confusion she still faces. Elizabeth, thank you for your transparency.
In almost three weeks of starting this ministry I have given two baskets. As much as I'm thankful to meet the need of the broken hearted I am also saddened by their losses. Proof that this ministry is much needed.
Isaiah 63:7-9
I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. For he said, "Surely they are my people, children who will not deal falsely." And he became their Savior. In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old
God, thank you for using me as a vessel. It's so hard to come back to this place of hurt time after time. But I count it worthy, for Your namesake. I will forever do what You ask me to do.
As time passes our memory fades. I've had to choose to remember. Remember the anticipation of welcoming new life, remember the fear when we initially were given the news of Gracia, remember the anger and hurt, remember holding back tears, remember crying out to God, remember planning a funeral instead of a baby shower, remember the peace God gave us, remember those who reached out to us, remember the sleepless nights. I don't know if I will ever remember my loss without feeling like there's a knot in my throat or that I can't stop the tears from falling. But still, I choose to remember.
January 7th was my Birthday. It was also the fourth Monday since I delivered Gracia. I knew it would be a hard day and it was. Hard to celebrate my life when I was still grieving Gracia's. Through good friends, God showed me I was still worth celebrating. That life is worth celebrating. My husband, Steve, threw me a surprise belated Quincenera party. 13 years belated.
Lullaby of Hope basket: I'll hold you in Heaven remembrance book by Debbie Heydrick, pearl bracelet (represents the result of refinement) by Marcia Norwood http://tellmeastory-marcia.blogspot.com/, mug with Yogi hormone balancing tea and trail mix
Isaiah 63:7-9
I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. For he said, "Surely they are my people, children who will not deal falsely." And he became their Savior. In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old
God, thank you for using me as a vessel. It's so hard to come back to this place of hurt time after time. But I count it worthy, for Your namesake. I will forever do what You ask me to do.
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