Brave

As Gracia's anniversary approached this year, I felt like the only one who remembered her. And for a second, I thought it would be easier for me to not remember too.

Women are a special breed. We are tender, we are emotional and we are brave. I was brave because I opened a wound that was closed three years ago. I went through Gracia's memory box and I read each and every card I was given. I studied her pictures. I counted her toes and put my wedding ring around her tiny ankle on her foot mold. I cried. I remembered what I wore the day we buried our daughter. What we ate. How I felt. I hummed the songs we sang.

I want to share my favorite memories surrounding Gracia's death.

My sister, Meredith, stepped in and took Keilah anytime I needed her to. And she wrote down things that Keilah said or did that she knew I would want to know about. She brought me a little lamb that we buried with Gracia. She wrote Ecclesiastes 11:5 on my belly the day I went in to deliver Gracia and she hosted a reception for us at her home after Gracia's funeral. I love you Mimi.

My Papi built Gracia's "treasure box" (her tiny casket). He used the metric system because she was his spanish grace. He used a jewelry box clasp to keep it closed. My Mom lined it with white satin and pearl trim. It was perfect.

Keilah was so little. She was 3 years old and had chubby cheeks and whispy fine hair. She said things that were wise beyond her years.  God used her to help me heal.

Because of Gracia's death, I started Lullaby of Hope. A ministry for women who are journeying through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. For three years, my team and I have been making baskets for these women. Her one death has allowed me to step into many women's lives when they are broken and to speak hope over them and point them to Jesus.

My sweet Gracia, I hope you hear the song that I sing to you and that you will sing it back to me.

Choosing the chosen

Lately I have been having contractors come and give me quotes for my decaying driveway, walkway and steps. As well as other exterior house work. When they leave, they thank me.

I had a friend re-upholster my daughter's old car seat and turn it into something more suitable for my son. She thanked me for using her.

Last night, I celebrated 2 years with my Lullaby of Hope ministry team. I got to spoil them by hosting a formal dinner party. My friend, who's a chef, made the most delicious meal. Fancy food that this tongue rarely gets to taste. She spent many hours prepping the food and she did all this asking for nothing in return. And she thanked me for choosing her.

All these thank you's from people who are helping me out has left me confused.
Why are they thanking me when I needed something and they are meeting that need. They are helping me, I'm not helping them.

But then I got to thinking. It's just like Christ choosing us, drawing us near and loving us unconditionally and we are left full of thanks and gratitude to Him. Why? Because He chose us.

" For you are a people holy to the Lord your God, The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for His treasured possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set His love you and chose you, but because the Lord loves you an is keeping the oath He swore to your fathers. The Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and has redeemed you."

Deuteronomy 7:6-8

We were created for a reason. We live and breathe the busyness of this world along with the aches and joys of this world for a purpose. God has gifted each of us with a passion and with a talent. No matter how much you've down played your gift, if used properly can have a great impact. And when we are in our groove and know we are doing something with excellency, we soar!

It begins with choosing then we move into the next phase of being called chosen. Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? Chosen. You. are. chosen. You were hand selected. The other's fell short. But you....Oh you are the best. What you have to offer is far superior than any other.

I believe we all want to be chosen. Because being chosen means that you are loved. And that you are, very loved by your Creator.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you."

John 15:16

The song

At Gracia's funeral, December 13, 2012, we had Steve's brother, Ben, play guitar and sing worship songs. Ben buried his wife and daughter just two months before. His boldness to proclaim God's goodness through music was medicine to my soul. His life after death gave me hope.

He sang his late wife's favorite song "Jesus Savior Pilot me" and the song we requested,  "How He loves".

If you are a church goer, you know how common it is to sing "How He loves" by David Crowder Band. I typically start off the song with courage and then it gets to the lyrics "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" and each time I lose it. I let the people around me sing, their voices raise to the Heavenly realm and I say the words quietly as a thankful pray.

Two years ago, I prayed that my afflictions would be eclipsed by glory. And they have. That song is a reminder to me of what God has done AND is continuing to do for me.

"In all their affliction, He too was afflicted and the angel of His presence SAVED them; in His love and in His pity He REDEEMED them; He lifted them up and carried them ALL THE DAYS of old"

Isaiah 63:9



 

 

my Healer

The thing with a death is that you don't have just one day you remember. It's many days. Each has it's own significance. Two years ago today, I met my daughter Gracia. I got to study her toes and discover that she has the same piggies as her older sister, Keilah.  And they share a nose. I memorized the lines of her lips. They were perfect. She had curly brown hair. My other children are blond and even though my husband has brown hair now, he didn't when he was a child. So I claim Gracia's brunette curls as mine :)

 

I want people to know that I'm not sad, I'm only just reflecting. It's a good place to be in to be able to look back on a painful time and not be depressed. God has healed me 100%. It was a choice to turn to Him and call upon Him as my Healer. My story is proof that He can do the same for you. I am no special than you. I am chosen, just as you are chosen. You are His child, just as I am. He wants to heal you just as He has healed me. Now being healed doesn't mean that I don't let tears drop, because my tears make me human. To me, it means what was once a dark place now has light. My gaping wound is now a scar, a beauty mark. My daughter's death refined me and my Savior's death has given us both new life. Sorrow is just temporary, eternity with Christ is my anchor.

Surviving the Sword

Today marks Gracia's 2 year anniversary. I was pretty worried how I would feel today and I have to say I'm a little surprised how stable I am. I've thought to myself that it must be because it's been two years, but then I remembered that time doesn't heal. God does.

I was able to go through Gracia's memory box with very little tears. It's hard to explain but I'm thankful she's in Heaven, she was a very sick baby girl. I read my journal and one excerpt that stuck out to me was how I could feel Gracia dying. Her movements became less and less. As she filled with fluid my belly swelled. Carrying her straight to Heaven was a gift.

I've talked with Keilah about Gracia many times. Her name is common in our household. I reminded Keilah of a dream she had while she stayed with Aunt Mimi, when I was in the hospital delivering Gracia. Mimi wrote down that sleeping Keilah said "hold my hand Gracia" then a moment later said "please". Then I noticed a tear falling down Keilah's cheek so I grabbed her for a hug and she let out the deepest cry. It's as if she held on to those tears for two years. I have never heard weeping like that before. I prayed for her as I held her. I didn't try to get her to stop her crying. I understand what it's like to just let the tears come. Once she calmed down she said they were happy tears, but she misses Gracia.

We went to the store and we each picked a flower for Gracia's grave. Daddy and Keilah picked purple flowers and Simon chose an orange daisy and I chose some sparkly Christmas flowers. This was Simon's first time visiting Gracia's grave.

When Gracia's death pierced my soul, I wondered how I would survive but I found grace in the wilderness. He is enough for me.

"The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness"
Jeremiah 31:2

My everything

The theme for my church's women's retreat this year is "Who am I?" On the character of God and it's really got me thinking who is God to me. If you had to choose one name to encompass who God is to you, what would you choose? Deliverer, Father, Prince of Peace, Redeemer...the list goes on and on.

I have been wracking my mind the last few days and thought I had settled on one and then the next day it was another. This morning as I gave myself time with God but found myself distracted, I got a text from a friend. She was obviously prompted by the Spirit and as I listened to "though you slay me" by Shane and Shane, my heart filled and tears rushed down my cheeks.

I don't know how to receive a compliment when I get thanked for how I lived when Gracia was dying.  At the time, I didn't know what else to do but to love my Lord. He was my Breath, my Smile, my Strength, my Rock, my Comfort, my Hope, my Clarity, my Voice.

He was my Everything.

I didn't just want Him as my Redeemer or my Deliverer. I wanted ALL of Him. Every inch of Him, I thirsted for.  He was my very bread of life.

It was a very special, unique and intimate time with God.  A time that I treasure.

There isn't one facet of God that I cling to more than another. I am hungry for Him. I have tasted His goodness and I want to feast on His life giving buffet. He doesn't just have one dish in mind for you, He has a buffet. Everything you can imagine and everything you can't imagine. And He's offering it to you.  His very word and promise will sustain you.

In the quiet and the chaos, in the plagues and in the blessings, in the new day and in the darkest night...Lord, may I choose You. You are my Everything.

Heaven Minded

Losing Gracia has forced me to meditate on the eternal. I think before her death I didn't understand the gravity of eternity. Often, I day dream of Heaven. Keilah and I talk about what animals we'll play with and how we'll spend our time.

I imagine Gracia dancing and singing. I imagine her playing soccer with her Sister, Cousin and Aunt.  I imagine the wisdom and strength God has given her. I imagine the playful personality He's given her sister. I imagine both of their green eyes, just like their Daddy.  I imagine their curly hair, bright smiles and pure skin. I also think how Keilah is the big sister to all of them.  Thinking of them doesn't necessarily make me sad. It makes them very real to me. We are just separated for a while.

God has shared so much with us but He's also saved some things, the best is yet to come. Not everything has been revealed. Eternity with Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit (along with our loved ones) already sounds so marvelous I can't imagine what surprises lie ahead. What a good God we serve.

I think about all the things here on earth that bother me, that ail me. Lack of sleep, poor eating habits, not enough time in the day, making meals, meal planning, grocery shopping, budgets, replacing broken things, organizing and de-cluttering, cleaning dishes, cleaning house...the list of toil goes on and on. Even as I wash my face everyday and put on my make-up I think about how mundane it is and how one day it will end. Things will need to be re-placed because we live in a broken, fallen World.

I don't think of these things and feel dragged down and frustrated that I'm having to do them. I think of them and then my mind quickly thinks with a smile"In Heaven, I won't have to do this anymore!"

Although MAC creates some mighty fine eyeliner and gorgeous shimmer eye shadows, it will pale in comparison to how God will perfect me. I do enjoy my Picky-Palate meals but God is preparing a lavish feast for me.  I really enjoy my new home and there are some pretty upgrades but God has a mansion that will make this house look like a garbage can.

As I eagerly await my turn to go Home, I will gladly do the dishes.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16