Friday, February 1, 2013

Choosing to remember

Strange how cold deli meat or raw cookie dough make you think twice about consuming it.  Almost eight months ago I had to quit those bad habits.  For good reason, I was pregnant.  I'm not sure how long it takes to form a habit, but I can tell you that it's taken nearly 7 weeks for me to form new habits.  I've had to remind myself that the growling in my tummy isn't my baby moving.  I no longer have to take daily vitamins.  I no longer have to drink 3-4 quarts of water a day or limit my caffeine consumption.

As time passes our memory fades.  I've had to choose to remember.  Remember the anticipation of welcoming new life, remember the fear when we initially were given the news of Gracia, remember the anger and hurt, remember holding back tears, remember crying out to God, remember planning a funeral instead of a baby shower, remember the peace God gave us, remember those who reached out to us, remember the sleepless nights.  I don't know if I will ever remember my loss without feeling like there's a knot in my throat or that I can't stop the tears from falling.  But still, I choose to remember.

January 7th was my Birthday.  It was also the fourth Monday since I delivered Gracia.  I knew it would be a hard day and it was.  Hard to celebrate my life when I was still grieving Gracia's.  Through good friends, God showed me I was still worth celebrating.  That life is worth celebrating.  My husband, Steve, threw me a surprise belated Quincenera party. 13 years belated.

I got a Facebook message from my first recipient of Lullaby of Hope. Her loss was much different than mine, but we both share the pain of losing our daughters. I expected to minister to her, but didn't realize that she would also minister to me. When I read her blog it brought the pain I've been trying to shove down to the surface. She talks about tears in public and confusion she still faces. Elizabeth, thank you for your transparency.

Lullaby of Hope basket: I'll hold you in Heaven remembrance book by Debbie Heydrick, pearl bracelet (represents the result of refinement) by Marcia Norwood, mug with Yogi hormone balancing tea and trail mix
In almost three weeks of starting this ministry I have given two baskets.  As much as I'm thankful to meet the need of the broken hearted I am also saddened by their losses.  Proof that this ministry is much needed.

Isaiah 63:7-9

I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. For he said, "Surely they are my people, children who will not deal falsely." And he became their Savior. In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old

God, thank you for using me as a vessel. It's so hard to come back to this place of hurt time after time. But I count it worthy, for Your namesake. I will forever do what You ask me to do.