Saturday, December 13, 2014

The song

At Gracia's funeral, December 13, 2012, we had Steve's brother, Ben, play guitar and sing worship songs. Ben buried his wife and daughter just two months before. His boldness to proclaim God's goodness through music was medicine to my soul. His life after death gave me hope.

He sang his late wife's favorite song "Jesus Savior Pilot me" and the song we requested,  "How He loves".

If you are a church goer, you know how common it is to sing "How He loves" by David Crowder Band. I typically start off the song with courage and then it gets to the lyrics "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" and each time I lose it. I let the people around me sing, their voices raise to the Heavenly realm and I say the words quietly as a thankful pray.

Two years ago, I prayed that my afflictions would be eclipsed by glory. And they have. That song is a reminder to me of what God has done AND is continuing to do for me.

"In all their affliction, He too was afflicted and the angel of His presence SAVED them; in His love and in His pity He REDEEMED them; He lifted them up and carried them ALL THE DAYS of old"
Isaiah 63:9


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

my Healer

The thing with a death is that you don't have just one day you remember. It's many days. Each has it's own significance. Two years ago today, I met my daughter Gracia. I got to study her toes and discover that she has the same piggies as her older sister, Keilah.  And they share a nose. I memorized the lines of her lips. They were perfect. She had curly brown hair. My other children are blond and even though my husband has brown hair now, he didn't when he was a child. So I claim Gracia's brunette curls as mine :)


I want people to know that I'm not sad, I'm only just reflecting. It's a good place to be in to be able to look back on a painful time and not be depressed. God has healed me 100%. It was a choice to turn to Him and call upon Him as my Healer. My story is proof that He can do the same for you. I am no special than you. I am chosen, just as you are chosen. You are His child, just as I am. He wants to heal you just as He has healed me. Now being healed doesn't mean that I don't let tears drop, because my tears make me human. To me, it means what was once a dark place now has light. My gaping wound is now a scar, a beauty mark. My daughter's death refined me and my Savior's death has given us both new life. Sorrow is just temporary, eternity with Christ is my anchor.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Surviving the Sword

Today marks Gracia's 2 year anniversary. I was pretty worried how I would feel today and I have to say I'm a little surprised how stable I am. I've thought to myself that it must be because it's been two years, but then I remembered that time doesn't heal. God does.

I was able to go through Gracia's memory box with very little tears. It's hard to explain but I'm thankful she's in Heaven, she was a very sick baby girl. I read my journal and one excerpt that stuck out to me was how I could feel Gracia dying. Her movements became less and less. As she filled with fluid my belly swelled. Carrying her straight to Heaven was a gift.

I've talked with Keilah about Gracia many times. Her name is common in our household. I reminded Keilah of a dream she had while she stayed with Aunt Mimi, when I was in the hospital delivering Gracia. Mimi wrote down that sleeping Keilah said "hold my hand Gracia" then a moment later said "please". Then I noticed a tear falling down Keilah's cheek so I grabbed her for a hug and she let out the deepest cry. It's as if she held on to those tears for two years. I have never heard weeping like that before. I prayed for her as I held her. I didn't try to get her to stop her crying. I understand what it's like to just let the tears come. Once she calmed down she said they were happy tears, but she misses Gracia.

We went to the store and we each picked a flower for Gracia's grave. Daddy and Keilah picked purple flowers and Simon chose an orange daisy and I chose some sparkly Christmas flowers. This was Simon's first time visiting Gracia's grave.

When Gracia's death pierced my soul, I wondered how I would survive but I found grace in the wilderness. He is enough for me.

"The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness"
Jeremiah 31:2