Before I lost Gracia, I was a good Mom. I went through the alphabet with Keilah. Each week we went to the library and picked out books that started with whatever letter we were studying. I had a coordinating craft for every day of the week. I even had snacks prepared that began with that letter. I proudly displayed each adorable project that she completed in her play room. I have an accordion file full of her work. Maybe this is why she loves art so much. Even at the age of 6, you can find her hidden away in her bedroom surrounded by piles of scraps of paper and crayon shavings. She talks about what inspires her and explains each drawing and creation with care.
I remember driving down the highway and trying not to cry. Those days it seemed that my eyes would well up with tears unannounced and definitely uninvited. I would hold them until they blurred my vision and I had no choice but to let them fall. Day after day, trying not to cry. At my postpartum appointment after I delivered Gracia, I confided in my doctor. I thought I was doing alright until she asked "6 months ago would you talk to Keilah as you drove?" The answer was "Yes." That answer got me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I was embarrassed to fill it. And when it came time to take that tiny blue pill each day I wondered if it would make the tears go away and help me to be a good Mom again. After a few days I threw out the bottle.
Three and a half years later and I'm still waiting to be a good Mom.
Friday night I listened to Hillary Scott's 'Thy will be done' and read her story on why she wrote that song. She suffered a miscarriage last Fall. In the article she said that she is a different parent now than she was before.
And then it clicked for me.
I am a good Mom. I am just different than I was before. Enduring a miscarriage and stillbirth changed how I parent.
The Lord was so kind to show me that I am the Mom that He wants me to be. I asked Keilah if she wanted to play soccer this fall and she said no. She said she wanted to do Awana. I was disappointed because she has natural ability and I enjoy watching her play, but I couldn't argue with her answer. "Learning the word of God is much more important than soccer."
I think I'll let the guilt roll off my back and keep parenting the way I have been, because eternity doesn't care if my child has an alligator A and green G in her accordion file or memories of letter P pickles for snacks. All those things will fade and wither, but the word of the Lord will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8)