Testimony

I have a handful of failed ventures in my life. Some of which are disappointing and maybe a little embarrassing.  And sometimes I consider my ministry, Lullaby of Hope, and how I wish God chose someone else.  It causes me to re-live my daughters death at times that I want to be happy. But God calls us to be holy, not happy. He has given me an incredible testimony. Why would I ever wish that testimony to go away? This week has been challenging as I have ministered to two Mother's that gave birth to their babies and then their babies died.  One at 3 days old and the other at 6 weeks old. I feel inadequate to reach out to them because Gracia died 24 weeks gestational. But as I trust God, He fills the gap. I don't have to be a perfect fit, I just have to be willing. He is the potter and I am the clay.  As I consider the last 10 months of my life, I am humbled and so very thankful.  God has developed my testimony into a unique story that can't be distorted. A story that can not be forgotten. A story that I get to share with generations to come.

Forgive me Father for wanting to write my own story, clearly You are the great author.

See you soon, Mommy

 

As Gracia's due date grew near (March 31st), I started to plan for what the day would look like. I knew we'd go to church, then go out to brunch before we made our way to the cemetery. I wanted plans set to make the day easy. I checked Hobby Lobby's ad to see when flowers would be on sale. I didn't want the price of a flower to cause us not to buy it for her. Keilah walked the aisles, not able to decide which one would be best for her sister. I chose a white lily, Steve chose a purple rose and Keilah chose a hot pink gerber daisy. I knew I wanted to tie all the flowers together with a satin royal purple ribbon. I also knew that I wanted to write something on the ribbon.

I didn't understand why Gracia's due date had to be on Easter.  I knew there was a reason, because God is purposeful and sovereign. Before we reached the cemetery we made a pit stop at the gas station. I was annoyed with myself because I hadn't gotten her flowers dolled up the way I had envisioned. In desperation I opened a card that a dear friend gave to me that morning. It said "Your arms are empty, but so is the tomb!" I smiled :) FINALLY the answer I ached for. I knew right away that I wanted to write that on her ribbon.

When we got to the cemetery Keilah was quick to collect rocks, she used them to decorate Gracia's grave.  She was adamant that she be the one to put Gracia's flowers in the ground.

 

 

 

My arms are empty, but so is the tomb. Thank You, Jesus!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keilah ran around the cemetery asking us to chase her.  She was comfortable in a place I'd rather not be.  She found beauty where I found heart ache. I was so thankful for her playfulness. She wanted to know all they baby names that were by Gracia. She even memorized a few. She took time to look at each baby grave to see what their loved ones left for them.  She was excited to find a light blue bunny sitting on a little boys grave. 

 

The week leading up to Gracia's due date I thought I should finish the remembrance book that I give in my Lullaby of Hope baskets.  The last chapter asks you to write a love letter to your child.  That was no easy task. As I attempted to say everything to my daughter that I never got the chance to say, I concluded by saying "See you soon, Mommy." What I've learned is that God's timing doesn't always match up to ours. God's verbiage doesn't match ours.

Revelation 22:12 Behold, I am coming soon!

When I say "I'll be there soon" I intend to be there in 15 minutes. That's not what God meant and that's not what I mean either. I know the sanctity of life, the precious gift of time on earth. I pray for God's plan with all my heart.

Galatians 5:5 For by faith, we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness in which we hope.

 

 

 

 

 

It's all good

Last Tuesday God woke me to blog about my miscarriage last April. I wrote it in 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so filled with the Spirit I cried tears of thanksgiving. The rest of the day was full of blessings.  After lunch Keilah asked for me to play Trip Lee, as song after song played we busted out some funky dance moves. As number 14 played I heard every lyric clearly. Listening to it one time wasn't enough, so I put it on repeat. The lyric that really got me was "People ask me how I survive it all, I tell them 'bout my Lord" That is exactly what I do. That is not to boast in myself, but in God. Anytime I get a compliment on my strength or courage I am quick to say "The Lord has been good to me." And He has.

As I meditated on what felt like inappropriate times to sing, God revealed to me Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit. Sing to God with gratitude in your hearts. All along, it was the Spirit singing. Now it makes sense why I sang the night before my D&C, why I sang the day I buried Gracia and why I sang all day last Tuesday.  He will give oil of joy instead of mourning, Isaiah 61:3

The next day I read a testimony that my best friend wrote for the NICU and as I read her daughter's stats I couldn't help but compare them to Gracia's. Her daughter was born at 23.2 weeks, 1lb 9oz and 12 inches long. Gracia was delivered at 23.4 weeks, 1lb 15oz and 13 inches long. I cried. So happy for her daughter's life and so sad for Gracia's death. As I let the tears slip silently I heard Keilah belt out "It's all good! It's all good!" It was a sweet reminder that it is all good. To remember the joy I had the day before and why that joy was present.

The following day at Bible study (The law of Love, Beth Moore), the lesson was on the good land. In fact Part one was "How to sing a song of the good land." How fitting :)

For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which YOU WILL LACK NOTHING, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full, and YOU SHALL BLESS THE LORD YOUR GOD FOR THE GOOD LAND HE HAS GIVEN YOU. Deuteronomy 8:7-10

3 days in a row, God showed me through songs, through Keilah and through His word that it's all good.

I am so thankful for the ways that He chooses to speak to me. And so thankful for the good land that He has given me.

Bless the Lord O my soul,

O my soul,

Worship His holy name,

Sing like never before,

O my soul,

I'll worship Your holy name

Hope through thorns

April 16, 2012 felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 2 days earlier I learned that the baby I was carrying died. I had a sonogram to take measurements to find out when my baby stopped growing. I'll never forget what the sonographer said "Well, your baby is curled up. So it makes measurements difficult." My baby was dead. That was a Monday and my D&C was scheduled for that Wednesday. My doctor prescribed a pill to soften my cervix and by 4am I was having labor pains. Painful enough that I could no longer sleep.  The best way to describe what came next was dumping. The uncontrollable dumping that my body did. Nothing I could do would stop it. It felt like gallons of blood were rushing forth.  I stood in the bathroom covered in blood and I couldn't see through the tears and Steve had to clean me up.  It was like a horror movie. When my brother arrived to do some 5am babysitting, we left.  I thought the worse was over. Our drive to the hospital was silent. I stepped out of the car and did a little cheer in my head because no dumping happened. Then it did. I stood in the circle drive covered. I was still trying to figure out why all this dumping was happening, were all miscarriages this bad? I was embarrassed. I took off my hoodie and tied it around my waist. I waddled to the front desk to get signed in. The receptionist was already signing in another patient so I had to wait. She gave me a blanket to sit on. I have never felt so demoralized. What felt like ages, I finally got my turn to get checked in. I had to sign all the paperwork because it was I getting the surgery done. I was so mad. In so much pain. I begrudgingly handed over my visa to make my first payment. It all felt so wrong. I finally got called back to get prepped for surgery. She handed me a gown and I laughed at the pad she gave me. I started to peel the blood soaked clothes off of me and the blinding tears began.  I thought I was doing good until I found part of the placenta stuck to my leg. I screamed. My nurse and Steve rushed to my aid. My nurses motherly instincts took over. My body was shaking from losing so much blood and from all the pain I was in. I laid in my hospital bed, Steve holding my hand. Silent once again. I so desperately needed prayer, but I couldn't even whisper my request.  Just then my nurse said someone was here for me to pray with me. I assumed it was a hospital chaplain, but when she announced the name of a dear friend I quickly said yes. I knew God sent her in a very weak time. She held my hand and Steve's and prayed over us. When I opened my eyes my doctor was there, ready to take me back. It was just like the movies when I was being wheeled back to surgery. When I woke up I felt sooooo good. No more pain. When we were back at home we laid in bed eating cookies and sandwiches that a friend brought over. We felt like we were skipping school. We spent the rest of the day resting and enjoying each other's company. A perfect ending to a not so perfect day.

At the time, I felt picked on. At the time, it was the worse thing to happen to me and my family.  At the time, I was very angry.  I felt like a statistic.  I was confused.  In the book of Jonah, he too was confused and angry. He didn't understand God's way and I can say "Amen!" to that! It might seem silly to compare my baby to a plant that withered. But I too was exceedingly glad (Jonah 4:6) over new life.  And, I too was angry enough I would have chosen to die (Jonah 4:9).  Ecclesiastes 3:20 All are from dust, and to dust all return.

Jonah 4:10-11
And the Lord said, "You pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow, which came into being in a night and perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle?"

The Lord's compassion is great.

God had sympathetic pity and concern for the suffering I was in. His compassion is great and never-ending.

Lamentations 3:22
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never come to an end.

Lord, thank You for my thorns. For there is hope through thorns.

How He loves

I've taken on a new hobby. I am fascinated with birds.  I didn't wake up one day thinking this would be my next venture, but God did. A few weeks ago I had my sister, Meredith, over. I planned to share Gracia's pictures with her and recount that time of her death.  As I was cleaning up breakfast that morning I glanced out on my deck and saw a large bird sitting on my grill.  It turned to look at me, we stared at each other for a few seconds. I even waved at the bird. I knew it was from God. When I had time to google birds of Missouri, I discovered that the bird I saw was a mourning dove. God gifted me with a mourning dove the day I was to gush about Gracia. He loves me.

Meredith was a great support to me when Gracia was diagnosed.  She accompanied me to my final doctor appointment, when we received confirmation that Gracia's heart had stopped.  She took time off work to care for Keilah while I was in the hospital. She picked up Gracia's flowers for her casket. She hosted Gracia's open house.  Without Meredith stepping in, I'm not sure how those dreadful days in December would have played out. I am forever grateful for her.  I don't know how you thank someone who did so much for you in the worse time of your life.  I so badly wanted to commemorate the bond that God gave us. Months ago I looked up anchor bracelets. I found one that I really liked but didn't pull the trigger. Before Meredith and I headed downstairs to look at Gracia's pictures, she said that she had something for me and she handed me the exact bracelet that I was looking to purchase.  My jaw dropped.  God is in the details. He cares deeply.

Job 33:14 For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.

God, I am listening. Speak, I will be quiet.

 

I am now living in Isaiah 63:7 I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. God says we will walk through fire and not be burned. He did just that for me. I may be charred but I didn't burn up in my pain. I'm on the other side. I made it through because of Him. The Lord was good to me. He has revealed secrets to me that are mine to keep (Deut. 29:29).



 

My niece, Selah Crosby, was named after Fanny Crosby. Fanny is well known for being a master lyricist, poet and composer. She became blind at 6 weeks old.  In her biography she is quoted to say "had it not been for her affliction she might not have so good an education or have so great an influence, and certainly not so fine a memory." She also said "when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior". My affliction was my miscarriage last April and burying my daughter, Gracia, December 13th. But I thank God for my afflictions. The refinement that has blossomed is nothing I could have gained by bearing a healthy baby. I have been tried in the furnace of affliction and I have come out refined.  All glory, honor and praise be to God.

 

But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. Psalm 73:28

Under the sun

There is mass turmoil on earth. Great grief. Much pain. A call to persevere.  And choices to be made.

I have seen all this under the sun.

My ministry, Lullaby of Hope, is growing. In less than two weeks, I got word of five new Mother's to minister to.  Lullaby of Hope has now served ten women.  That also means that ten little lives are now in Heaven.  The last Mother that was brought to my attention is a dear friend of mine. Her father approached me at Passover service to share the heart breaking news. My heart beat at an abnormal speed as I walked towards her and uttered the words "I'm so sorry".  I knew the day would come when I would need to speak hope and comfort to a church member, a friend and a sister in Christ. I spent the night in a pile of tissues, wet in tears and on the floor in prayer. Her loss sent me over the edge. Especially since Gracia's due date is in three short days.

One Mother, I have been working with is still carrying her baby. I now have known her for 10 weeks.  The Lord has used her and I in magnificent ways.  Undeniable proof of the Father's love for us.  Each Mother that I come into contact with is different. Some I meet with and some get baskets delivered from the friend that shared the news with me.  God directs me exactly what to write in each hand written card.  This ministry has been the most challenging and the easiest thing I've committed to.  Challenging because its a death ministry and each basket represents a life. Easy because Jesus left me with His Spirit, so the pressure is off me.  Easy because I'm in His will.

There is an enemy. He's out to kill, steal and destroy you (John 10:10). I often come across Mother-to-be's full of fear. I'm sure satan is enjoying this epidemic of fear.  Fear that their baby is going to die and fear that they will not be strong enough to get through it. God has given us a Spirit of courage, not timidity (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised to always be with us (Joshua 1:5) Our connection with Him is immediate and intimate (Psalm 116:1 & 1 John 5:14). I pray against the fear that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Be steadfast in Him and allow Him to reign over your thoughts (Isaiah 26:3). It's a battle (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). And victory is on our side (1 Corinthians 15:57), thanks be to God.....forever and ever, Amen.

Choosing to remember

Strange how cold deli meat or raw cookie dough make you think twice about consuming it.  Almost eight months ago I had to quit those bad habits.  For good reason, I was pregnant.  I'm not sure how long it takes to form a habit, but I can tell you that it's taken nearly 7 weeks for me to form new habits.  I've had to remind myself that the growling in my tummy isn't my baby moving.  I no longer have to take daily vitamins.  I no longer have to drink 3-4 quarts of water a day or limit my caffeine consumption.

As time passes our memory fades.  I've had to choose to remember.  Remember the anticipation of welcoming new life, remember the fear when we initially were given the news of Gracia, remember the anger and hurt, remember holding back tears, remember crying out to God, remember planning a funeral instead of a baby shower, remember the peace God gave us, remember those who reached out to us, remember the sleepless nights.  I don't know if I will ever remember my loss without feeling like there's a knot in my throat or that I can't stop the tears from falling.  But still, I choose to remember.

January 7th was my Birthday.  It was also the fourth Monday since I delivered Gracia.  I knew it would be a hard day and it was.  Hard to celebrate my life when I was still grieving Gracia's.  Through good friends, God showed me I was still worth celebrating.  That life is worth celebrating.  My husband, Steve, threw me a surprise belated Quincenera party. 13 years belated.

 

 

I got a Facebook message from my first recipient of Lullaby of Hope. Her loss was much different than mine, but we both share the pain of losing our daughters. I expected to minister to her, but didn't realize that she would also minister to me. When I read her blog http://gregandelizabethcook.blogspot.com/ it brought the pain I've been trying to shove down to the surface. She talks about tears in public and confusion she still faces. Elizabeth, thank you for your transparency.

Lullaby of Hope basket: I'll hold you in Heaven remembrance book by Debbie Heydrick, pearl bracelet (represents the result of refinement) by Marcia Norwood http://tellmeastory-marcia.blogspot.com/, mug with Yogi hormone balancing tea and trail mix

 

In almost three weeks of starting this ministry I have given two baskets.  As much as I'm thankful to meet the need of the broken hearted I am also saddened by their losses.  Proof that this ministry is much needed.

Isaiah 63:7-9

I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love. For he said, "Surely they are my people, children who will not deal falsely." And he became their Savior. In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old

God, thank you for using me as a vessel. It's so hard to come back to this place of hurt time after time. But I count it worthy, for Your namesake. I will forever do what You ask me to do.