Can I brag on my Lord?

The day after the specialist confirmed the fluid on Gracia's lung, we planned to attend the Unashamed Tour and I bailed because it was the saddest day for me. My husband ended up taking his brother instead and Ben bought me a shirt. It was from Trip Lee and read "Can I brag on my Lord?" Remember, it was the saddest day for me so I was kind of annoyed because the last thing I wanted was to brag on Him. I was mad at Him.

I have been eager to share details of Gracia's delivery, graveside service and open house but He has made it clear that I am to brag on Him first. Which honestly comes with ease. Psalm 40:3 it says that He will put a new song on my mouth and He did just that. After a wonderful whirlwind at Gracia's open house Thursday night I came home and couldn't stop singing. Praise after praise. Even though I allowed my mind to think "Okay, this is odd. I buried my daughter today and here I am belting out worship songs." I still sang. He put a new song on my mouth.

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever
Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever
People from every nation and tongue, from generation to generation

We worship You
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
We worship You
for who You are

You are good
all the time
You are good
all the time

What a precious offering worship is. We were given that special gift at Gracia's open house. Great friends of ours lead worship and read Bible verses. It took me half way through to realize that they were all verses that the Lord had shared with me over the past month. Truth poured over me and reigned at my sister's house. It was such a beautiful peaceful time. I know the Lord was pleased and we honored Him.

Years ago the Lord allowed us to be a part of a youth group where we got the opportunity to speak Christ into young lives. We gained many life long friendships from that time of service. One sweet sister, who is now a remarkable woman of God, shared her gift of singing and wrote a song.

Gracia's Song

I will never, ever leave you
Nor will I forsake you
You will not walk this alone

Lullaby don't you cry
I'm holding you, even now
Lullaby don't you cry
I'm holding you, safe and sound

Where I am the darkness must flee
So I will whisper my light
Where I am confusion must cease
So I will whisper my peace
Where I am the pain will subside
So I will whisper my life
I will whisper my joy

Though you can't hear it right now
I'm singing a new song, someday you'll sing it too
Though you can't feel it right now
My rhythm of grace will set you free to dance again

Doesn't that just give you chills? Don't you feel blessed just by reading those lyrics?

Sunday December 9, 2012

We arrived at the hospital around 3pm. As I was being admitted a friend who works at the hospital stopped by and asked why I was being admitted. I told her I was being induced and she congratulated me. I looked at Steve. I didn't know how to respond. I finally got the news out and she was quick with condolence. We got settled in our room and got my first dose of cytotec at 4:30pm. I got two pills every 3 hours. It took 5 doses before I felt any contractions.

Monday December 10, 2012

I started to feel some discomfort from the contractions and after my 10:30am dosage my water broke close to 11am. I was dilated to a 3 and the nurse suggested an epidural but the anesthesiologist was administering an epidural to another mom. My nurse gave me stadol which eased my pain. I progressed to a 10 quickly (less than 40 minutes) and my Doctor brought in the anesthesiologist for a spinal tap so she could do a D&C directly after delivery if she needed.  During the time I was laboring I held Steve's arm and hand and asked him to tell me a Bible verse from memory. He quoted Psalm 84:11. I heard "You are my hope and my shield" so I just repeated that over and over until the pain was manageable. I know some of  you out there prayed for a quick delivery, which was answered. But did you forget to pray about the pain?! I'm kidding :) With the combination of the 3 drugs I felt whacky. I signed the consent form the anesthesiologist handed me and I told him I didn't think I had that many l's in my name. My labor and delivery nurse coached me when to push. With a few pushes Gracia was delivered at 12:09p. She weighed 1lb 15oz and was 13 inches long. They laid her on my chest as the Doctor worked on removing my placenta. She was warm and heavy. The nursed handed her to Steve and the drugs really started to knock me out. We now laugh about how I asked the nurse to give me medicine to wake me up and how I had one eye opened and was trying to talk to him through the side rail of my hospital bed. I finally gave in to the drugs and fell asleep for 3 hours. I prayed that God would allow me to see Gracia before her body started to change. They gave her a bath and brought her in for us to hold her.  When the nurse placed her in my hands Gracia's body moved like jell-o. She was all cartilage and filled with fluid. She had the most perfect lips, perfect hands and adorable toesies. Her resting gown fit as if it were custom made. The hospital has a wonderful service where they take tasteful pictures of her, mold her feet and make a tiny tiny bracelet with her name. As I held her I couldn't help but think how much her body was just a shell. That may have been my daughter but I know that she is healed and even more perfect than my mind can think in Heaven. She is with her sister (the baby I miscarried in April), cousin and Aunt and most importantly with Jesus. I relish in that truth.

Tuesday December 11, 2012

We were discharged Tuesday and with my hospital bands still on Steve drove us to pick out a plot for Gracia. The cemetery director mulled over which plot we should take and I really didn't care. I knew her body needed a place to be put but the infant area was about 2x3 feet. We were mulling over inches.  When we got home I washed Gracia's resting gown. It took 32oz of hydrogen peroxide to get all the blood out. Blood and fluid just seeped from her very thin skin. Later that day we met with the funeral director and finalized details. Steve dropped me off at home and he picked up Keilah. What a sweet reunion. I missed my Keilah terribly. She was acting like a fool and I finally pulled her aside and said "Keilah, I know you're mad at us and I'm mad we were gone too. I missed you so much. But please don't act this way, use your words." She smiled and said "thank you" and sealed it with a kiss. Since then I've had to have similar conversations with her. The other day we were all mad and being nasty to each other and before prayer time I addressed our attitudes and Keilah said "We needed that." It amazes me what a little communication with a 3 year old will accomplish.

Wednesday December 12, 2012

Steve took Keilah to Bass Pro to see Santa so I could rest. I could barely sit, I had so much pain in my back from my spinal tap. I was able to get in with my massage therapist (for the most painful massage of my life!) and got an adjustment with our chiropractor. I almost cried. I was in so much pain. I questioned if the massage and adjustment would help. We met with the funeral director one last time to give him Gracia's resting gown, casket and wording for folders. The casket that Papi and my Mom made was beautiful. Covered in white satin with roses tucked with purpose and lined with pearl ribbon. Perfect for my Gracia. Keilah wanted to keep the casket for her baby doll.

Thursday December 13, 2012

I slept great! No nightmares (for me or Keilah) and my back felt great. I can now sit and walk with little pain. Steve took Keilah to school and he bought himself a suit. I stayed home and took my time getting ready. When Keilah got home we gave her a new stuffed pig to remind her of Gracia (before we learned of Gracia's condition I ordered 2 stuffed animals,one for each of my daughters, and I asked Keilah what Gracia would like and she said a pig). She loved it. We had lunch as a family and then headed to the cemetery. My anxiety was low but I still didn't want the attention and wished it was just the 3 of us. When Steve picked up Gracia's casket and walked it to the table Keilah ran to him.  I guess she needed to say her good-bye in private. Francis gave a strong word from God while Keilah threw her pig in the air, danced and jumped around. Francis read Gracia's favorite song.

Testify to Love

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences
When words are not enough
With every breath I take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

A few tears fell, not because I missed Gracia but because God has used the chorus to be my life song.  Ben played the guitar and sang "How He loves" and "Jesus Savior Pilot me" (Rachel's favorite song). It was a short and God honoring service. The sun was shining and it was windy but I thanked God that there was no sleet, rain or snow. The best weather December could offer.

We headed back home for us all to rest before the open house. We arrived to my sisters and the house was polished with food arranged and ready to welcome our guests. From 4-7pm, it was a whirlwind. I'm sure at least 100 people came. As soon as I hugged a friend hello I'd have another friend to hug good-bye. So much love in that place.


As I was writing this blog post the Lord asked me to pause so I did and in that time I received a message from a new dear friend. I confided in her that I was worried about my bubble being popped. Referring to the peace that we have been covered in.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As long as my "bubble" is filled with God's peace and joy and abounding in hope by the Holy Spirit...it WILL NEVER pop! Thank you Jesus!