Saturday, December 1, 2012

God chose Gracia and I choose God

My life changed 24 hours ago. As we waited for our name to be called I read all of Psalm 119. I didn't know what else to do. But I knew that God could calm my heart and He did.

We walked into Dr. Crowels office and she immediately got started on the ultrasound. I saw Gracia's heart working but it didn't look right and I couldn't see any of her organs. Everything was black. The DR told us our daughter was dying. The fluid was everywhere. There was nothing she could do. She was swelling with fluid and only her top 2 chambers of her heart were working.

We weren't expecting that news. We thought we'd have a one lunged runner that got dialysis every other day. But not this, anything but this. Two miscarriages in eight months. Four deaths in our family in eight months. Needless to say this has been a hard year. But God is so kind, so gentle and so patient. So near to the broken hearted. We could easily sit in self pity and by the world's standards we have every right to. But He's called me to a different standard of living. Not a life without heart ache or sadness but an everlasting joyous life. This life is just temporary. My pain is just temporary. Even though I am saddened over Gracia, how lucky is she to bypass this world? Any time a trial arises we have the choice to choose Him. I hope you do.

Habakkuk 3:17, Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

We chose not get the amniocentesis done because any information they could gather wouldn't save her life. As the news was sinking in I said a quick prayer because I could feel myself losing it and I wanted to stay in the moment and hear what the DR had to say. She told us that once she's delivered they'd be able to see if she had Turner's syndrome in which case babies fill up with fluid and die. She said it could be a virus or bacteria or a heart condition that they couldn't see on the ultrasound. She told me that they would ask if I wanted to do an autopsy, that would show any heart condition. But I know why she's dying. Because God chose Gracia.

The DR wants to see me weekly to check on Gracia but she said with the rapid rate that the fluid was growing that she expected that she'd die within 2 weeks. She said I will know when her heart stops when I no longer feel her movement. My body isn't ready (nor my mind) to deliver Gracia so I don't need to worry that I will go into labor at home. They will induce me at the hospital. Dr. Crowels walked us to a back door instead of walking through the lobby. I guess we looked worse than I thought.

As we drove home the song "He gives and takes away" played in my head. He holds the keys to life and death.

I bought a resting gown for her last night, made for micro-preemies 1-3lbs. I only know about them because of a book called 'I will carry you' by Angie Smith, wife of one of the band members of Selah. I've used it as a guide. I asked Papi to make her a tiny casket. We plan to have a small graveyard service with just family.

I told Keilah that Gracia is going to heaven to be with Jesus. And she'll get to play with her other sister (the baby I lost in April, we decided she was a girl), Selah and Rachel. She told me that she doesn't want her to go and I assured her that I didn't want her to go either. Later that night we threw away a broken toy and Keilah looked at me with serious eyes and said "Are we going to throw my sister away?" I knew at that point I'd have to explain cemeteries to her. That even though Gracia's spirit is in heaven there is a special place called cemeteries where we put bodies. A place where we can "visit" her. Last week I ordered Gracia and Keilah stuffed animals and I told Keilah that I have something special for her so she can remember Gracia. Pure excitement raced across her face.

My hope is in God. Not a doctor or a miracle or even in Gracia. My hope isn't in what I think my family should look like. My hope resides in Him and Him alone. He can take away my Gracia and I will still choose Him. I don't understand why He did, but I do know it's for my good and He's using Gracia's life to tell a story. A story that doesn't show case my strength but His.

This morning Keilah sat in bed next to me and sang " The night comes early but the morning will be ok" A song that she made up. A song of comfort from my three year old :)

My Doctor said that my miscarriage in April and Gracia's coming death are not related. That there's a 2% chance of the same issue happening again. She told me that it is possible for me to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Although entering into another pregnancy would inevitably rise up fear, I am not about to sit in that fear and allow it to paralyze me. God is bigger than that.

Thank you all for your prayers petitioning the Lord on our behalf. It's so kind of the Lord to use His people to comfort us. Please pray for us as we figure out how to walk out the next few weeks. If you want to send a card, please use the address below. I will continue to write as long as the Lord leads.

1203 NW Sawgrass Drive
Grain Valley, MO 64029

5 comments:

  1. (This is John's sister Liz) My heart just breaks for you and your family! Your own words of comfort come from the Bible, and that is far better than I can do. God strengthen you and give you peace in the days and weeks ahead.

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  2. Praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing God's comfort with each one involved and each of us who have read this blog.

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  3. When the world and all the doctors in it tell you to center your thoughts on them and their "diagnosis", I encourage you in this hour to stay steadfast on Jesus. I speak words of life over Gracia, for God alone has a promise of Hope and a future, I PRAISE you Jehovah Rapha for you alone bind up and heal our sickness because of your great love for us! I speak words of life. Above all I pray for your family, all Five of you have a deep bond with our God who does exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine.

    Love you

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  4. I sit here tonight reading all your entries because I saw your post on FB. I'm crying for you. I always knew there was something special about you. I'm deeply sorry for your loss but rejoice in knowing how AWESOME our God is and what a gift he has given you to be able to express how amazing he is. You will be in my prayers:)

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