Hope, rest and trust

December 2, 2012

We all woke up and got ready for church. Keilah asked her Daddy why we we're going to church and Steve answered "to praise God" As I wondered what people would think of us being there because we had every right to hide out, I reminded myself of Steve's answer. I am going to praise my God. What better place for us to be? Where else did you expect us to be? I so desire to be near my God. I depend on Him completely. He's why I can smile through my pain.

After church we went out for lunch and headed towards cemetery's to find the perfect spot to bury Gracia. As normal as I tried to make the day there is nothing normal about cemetery searching for your child. On the way Keilah said "Why are we going to cemetery's? God told me that Gracia's staying in your belly." I told her that they may be but we still have to make plans in case He changes His mind. As we neared the first cemetery she asked if we were going to Jesus' house. I told her that we have to be invited to go to Jesus' house and that we are just looking at a place for Gracia's body. The first cemetery was flat with no large tombstones so you could see all the fake flowers and Keilah gasped "Mama, it's beautiful. Look at all the flowers!" I felt sick to my stomach. I saw no beauty there but I was so thankful my 3 year old did. The second cemetery was packed, large tombstones everywhere. Keilah told us "You see that big sign? I'm gonna kick it over." We laughed. That would be awesome if she could kick over a 5 foot granite tombstone.

While we were putting Keilah to bed she told me very matter of fact "Gracia needs a dress." She was surprised to learn that I had already thought of that and purchased her a dress. As I described it to her she smiled. She then told me that she needs a jacket too because she doesn't want her to get cold.

I went to bed weak, dreading the morning.

December 3, 2012

This morning I woke up with 3 texts containing scripture.

Psalm 62:5-8

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress. I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times O people. Pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge.

Psalm 33:20-22

We wait in hope for the Lord, he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice for we trust his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us. O Lord even as we put our hope in you

As I read these verses I saw 3 things.

 1) Hope
 2) Rest
 3) Trust

It feels like instructions from Him. I love a good action plan and He knows that about me. I can endure this because of what He has done for me.

I haven't felt Gracia move since 11:30pm Saturday night. I called my local DR to have a sonogram (I see no point to drive to Overland Park). I was certain Gracia's heart had stopped. I got an appointment an hour before I was to be there. A dear friend text me and asked if I needed anything and it was the first time that I had realized that I was going there alone so I asked her if she could be there. She lives 30+minutes away and didn't think she could make it. I found a parking spot and headed to the hospital entrance with my box of Kleenexes (I like my Kleenexes bc my stupid gel eyeliner runs like crazy when I cry!) and I hear "Krystalle!" I turn around and there's my sweet friend! I was so thankful because a minute earlier I wondered why I allowed myself to go alone. I asked her how she knew where to park and she said she didn't...she just parked. I told her that God wants her here with me and we headed to the DR together. The sonographer pulled up the image of Gracia and much to my surprise her heart was beating, 145 heart rate to be exact. I was shocked. My Gracia is alive! The Dr said because she's so full of fluid and there's so much amniotic fluid I won't be able to feel her movements. Her condition is the same as it was Friday. She said there's nothing medically she could do but wait for a miracle. A miracle? But she has a death sentence? That was the first time in days that I felt hopeful. My DR called me about 20 minutes later to confirm that the specialist no longer needed to see me unless there was improvement in 4 weeks. Wait, what? If there's improvement? Again, I thought she had a death sentence? That was the second time I felt hopeful but this time happy as well. I finally feel like I can pray for a miracle. Remember, there is nothing the Doctor's can do but there is much that the Lord can do. His word says you do not receive because you do not ask. I haven't been asking for healing. He already knows what I want and now I'm ready to ask. He is my Father after all. I feel like I am at the place where I can ask for a miracle but my sanity doesn't cling to it.  Regardless if He still chooses to take Gracia home or heal her I will praise His name.

1 Peter 1:8-9

Though you have not seen him, you love him and even though you don't see him now you believe in him and are filled with inexpressible glorious joy. For you are receiving the goal of your faith. Salvation of your souls.

 I may not have seen Him, but I see Jesus in my friends. God is the author of life, but you all are co-authors. You each have a written part in Gracia's life story and mine as well. I print off every E-mail and record every text that you all send. For you are the co-authors. He has also chosen you. He works through each one of you in specific ways. Years ago He placed me among people where I could see maturity in Christ in action, see how to be full of pain and doubt...to feel abandoned. Those people helped to mold me to who I am today. He used their pain for good. And He will use mine for good as well. He recently placed us in a small group that loves us and prays over us, people that want to go through the ugly with us. Something that we haven't had in 3+ years. He cares deeply for me.

I see Dr. Lemberger again Thursday at 1:30p to check Gracia's heartbeat. As long as they can find her heart beat I won't get a sonogram. If I haven't already told you, my DR was on vacation the week I learned about Gracia and this is the first time I have seen her since. I think I gave her 18 hugs.

Pray for a miracle, not for our benefit but for God's glory. I get chills just thinking about what soul changes could happen because of it.