Your will above mine

On our way to a friend's house Keilah wanted a lunchable from QuikTrip for lunch (yes, she did request that) and while we were there like any toddler she needed to use the bathroom. While I waited for her to take care of her business I caught a glimpse of my large mid-section and asked her "Do you think I will hear Gracia's heartbeat today?" She responded "No. God sent an angel to ask Gracia if she wanted to go to God's house" I said "What did Gracia say?" Keilah looked at me like I was dumb and answered "She's a baby. Baby's don't talk. She was sucking her thumb."

I believed her. Remember, the night before I couldn't rest and to be honest I prayed that God would allow me to see the angel that would take Gracia to Heaven. Each time my eyes opened I searched the dark room. I really don't know if it's in the bible that God sends angels to take souls to heaven or not but I do know that God uses them as messengers often and so that's the conclusion I have drawn. Even though I wasn't excited about Gracia's death I was excited to be in the presence of an angel.

I met my sister in the parking lot of the hospital and we walked nervously to my appointment. I think both of us were fighting back the tears. The nurse searched with the doppler to find Gracia's heartbeat and at one point my eyes met with Mimi's when we thought we heard her heart beat. She gave up and sent the Doctor in. My DR quickly decided it would be easier to get a sonogram so we got walked to the sonographer's room. She tried so hard to find a glimmer of hope. My DR ignored her and pulled a chair close to me and told me that Gracia's heart had stopped. We went over a plan of action. I will be induced Sunday afternoon. She informed me that labor will take up to 2 days because my body isn't ready to deliver and that she'd probably need to do a D&C because the placenta won't detach on it's own. She expects me to stay 3 nights in the hospital.

When I got home her resting gown had arrived. It is simple and beautiful.

As ridiculous as it sounds Thursday morning I told God I wasn't ready for Gracia to pass because I had some things I wanted to get done. He answered my ridiculous prayer. Just in a way I didn't think of. I expected her to live through the weekend but instead my DR is out of town and I want her to deliver so He still gave me the weekend to prepare. Keilah didn't want to go play with anyone today, she wanted to be my buddy. My hairdresser (who I have to book a year in advance with) moved an appointment around and I got my hair colored this morning. If my hair is good, everything is good. I got some pantyhose for the dress I plan to wear to her graveside service, earrings and nail polish. We visited my best friends mom to order Gracia's casket flowers. I picked out rich colors, probably too serious for a baby but serious enough for a December funeral. Keilah picked out snacks to take to her Aunt's house while Steve and I move in to the hospital (joking). Papi is putting the finishing touches on Gracia's casket and I have been in contact with the funeral director to finalize arrangements.  I feel ready. There isn't much I get to control in my daughter's passing but by golly she will have gorgeous flowers, be dressed beautifully and her loving Buelo has made her a custom casket to rest in. Papi is a goof but he's such a sweetie at heart. When I first asked him to build her a casket he said no because she wasn't dead. Then 2 days later he told me that he was almost finished with it. Instead of using scrap wood he purchased new wood for his special grand-daughter. He even went as far to use metric measurements because she's his Spanish Grace :) And the man who usually makes trips to the hardware or auto store made a special trip to the fabric store to buy lining for her casket.  Words can't express how grateful I am for his loving gift.

With as long as the DR expects my labor to be we are tentatively planning Gracia's graveside service to be Thursday. We have chosen Floral Hills Memorial Garden off 50hwy and Milton Thompson Rd for her burial. We are inviting immediate family only to the graveside service and thinking we might hold it around 1p or 2p, hoping for the hottest part of the day because it's December.We want to keep the gathering small and intimate. Our pastor will officiate. You know, this whole time I haven't been able to visualize Gracia's first steps, first Birthday etc but I have been able to envision her funeral. Following her graveside service my sister will host an open house where the rest of the family and friends can come for a time of worship and fellowship. Our church and small group will provide the food. A normal service you spend time remembering the deceased and for our situation only God knows Gracia's quirks and personality. But we know much about our Lord and Savior and we plan to honor Him and let His Spirit dwell with us. As the week progresses we'll be able to give out more detailed information.

Later I asked Keilah if she saw the angel or if God talked to her and she said God told her. I asked her when He told her that and she said December five. I think Gracia passed December five too. Because that night I felt her kick at 10:30p and then I was restless the rest of the night. Deep down I knew she had passed.

Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

Even though I had hoped to see Gracia healed on earth, God is still the ultimate Healer. Gracia is healed in Heaven. She's perfect.